The Best Gifts in Life :)

This month has been a big and crazy one for me. A lot of you who know me really well already know this, but on the 12th of the month I went Christmas shopping with my mom at Clackamas Town Center. What I never thought of or expected to experience for that or any other day for that matter, were the potential last moments of my life. I was involved in a shooting that took place only a few feet away from where my mom and I were at. Some who weren't present that day might say that it was luck or a coincidence but I completely believe firmly that God saved my mom's and my life that day. I think this because 1) the shooter intended to kill all of us. He had three guns and plenty of magazines (the things that hold bullets). In fact, he was experienced with guns and one of them (the first one he used) was an automatic. Not only that, but he shot at least 60 times; the first being a warning and the rest were intended to get people. He wasn't shooting in random directions while screaming "you're all going to die" on purpose. For whatever reason (God) his gun kept missing 2) out of the hundred he was prepared to kill that day, only about 7 were shot and only 2 lost their lives. It may seem insignificant to anyone who wasn't there, but when you hear the facts you realize that it was a total miracle that only two lost their lives and the rest of us escaped. 3) the gunner's gun jammed when it had been working fine all the other times he had used it before that day and it jammed just in time for us to get out. 4) if this happened at any other mall my mom and I would've gone to that day, we wouldn't have been able to get away. 5) my mom and I almost chose to sit at a table that would've been 5 feet away from hi. 6) I had been wearing heals earlier that day and was planning to wear them to the mall but decided last minute to change into walkable shoes. Those things make me think God wanted me and the people there to be prepared. There were other facts too, but honestly it made me realize and truly understand in a new way that we have no say in how long we live. Only God does and only he can save us when we're in danger. I saw that often God protects us, not only physically but almost emotionally and spiritually and we almost never notice how many times he does that for us. We often think we're save and we never think that we might not make it to tomorrow or even the end of the current day. The fact is though, that one of these days, we wont get another tomorrow.I never thought I was at risk to dye young. I live a relatively safe life but something I know now more than ever is that if it's your time, it doesnt matter how safe you think you are, you'll leave this life. The flip side is true...that to matter how dangerous your life may be, if God isn't done with you yet, he WILL protect you. I started to see that there were things I thought I should worry about after what I expereiced didnt matter as much anymore and i was able to put things in better perspective. I saw that i really need to work harder in my relationships and dreams cause I knew that if I would've gone, that I wouldn't have been ready. I just the fact that I'm alive today is an amazing gift and I really hope and pray I never forget that awful day. I dont want to take any thing for granted. With the prediction of the end of the world and the shooting in Connecticut,I saw just how broken we are and how more now than ever we NEED TO RISE UP and tell people about God's love. It makes no difference if we have one more hour, day, week, month, year, or if there are decades before God comes back...or our lives end (whichever comes first). We need to live with the urgency that people need healing and God has given us what it takes to extend an invitation for people to experience that healing. If i didnt take it seriously, I do now. When you nearly lose your life and hear about dozens losing there's due to hurting and selfish people, it makes you see things way more differently. Life becomes more precious and even the bad days dont seem so bad cause you realize that at least you're alive and that all the hard times add to the person you;ll be come. Another huge gift I got was the opportunity to see my best friend after 2 years . We had such a fun time and although I'm saddened by the things that were gong on with both shootings that same week, I'm thankful for the time I got with her. I got to talk to my man a lot more too which I was s o thankful and really glad that we were able to talk more in depth. This Christmas, I'm blessed with life, a family, best friend I never though I'd have, a man who I love more deeply than I ever loved any other guy, and most importantly the love of an amazing savior who cares more than I could ever imagine. He gives me more chances then I deserve and delights in creating and bringing to reality dreams that are far more than I could ever come up with on my own. The gifts I received were meaningful and amazing but the things that really matter are far more valuable to me than any item anyone could ever purchase. Something I've seen this year too, is that the gifts from the heart are the most wonderful. Whether made or thought through greatly , no sticker could ever put a price on that and I am more blessed than I can comprehend. I hope you all were encouraged and that this makes some kind of impact in your life! God bless you this season. )

A Faith Like No Other

Hi everyone! I realize I just posted a huge long blog just a few minutes ago...but I just wanted to share with you the latest on what's happening with me this month of December 2012! :)
At this point I cant really give out too much info yet just cause this is something I'm still in the process of going through and not sure how or what is all going to take place. I will definitely keep you all posted when things are more final, but basically I feel like God is calling me to take a huge leap of faith into an unknown world. I have NO idea if this is going to work out or not, but I'm in the process of filling out an application for a school that I REALLY want to go to. Like I mentioned earlier, I'm not going to give out the details just yet because I just really feel like today is a day I need to trust God with those details. Anyway here is the info that I can share: I found this school about a year ago by accident. I was actually looking for a short term mission trip opportunity through an organization that I was a part of in high school. It was one of many that I was looking into, and I just found myself continuing to go back to that page. Anyway, through that I found this school that I want to go to which I had already heard of but wasn't sure what they even offered. So I go look and they had some stuff in the field of work that I'd want to do but still something was missing. About a month or so later, I decided I was going to look at more of the classes they offered and they had the exact one that I thought no one would have! I felt as though all the pieces were coming together, it was amazing cause for the first time in my life I felt like something made sense. Finally all the things I've ever wanted to do that I thought I'd have to separate, could fit into one magnificent thing. So I prayed about it and decided that since it was too late to apply, that if I still had a passion to go there when the time came THIS year, that I would take it as a sign and apply. So throughout the year, I made sure to look into information for dozens of schools as well as missions organizations and although I was open to the idea of finding something else, nothing really grasped my heart the same way. So a year later, here I am getting ready for the application process. I am pretty sure that the deadline is tomorrow and although I've been trying to get different things together, things keep seeming to go wrong so I'm not sure if that means that this is a closed door or just a few obstacles that the devil is trying to use to get me off track. So I'm pretty nervous cause there have been a couple other things in my life that I've filled applications for and never got accepted. For me there seems to be every reason for me not to be able to do this. I have important documents that are missing, or that I just dont have yet and I'm really worried that I wont be able to get everything in time. I'm trying to do all I can but I just fear that it wont be enough. So I guess this is going to be interesting to see how this all plays out because if this isn't a God thing, then I trust him to lead me to wherever it is that he wants me to go and if it is  a God thing, I know that this will work out. I just hate not knowing ha. :P 

What He leads you to, He will get you through

So to finish up for the month of October (since I'm majorly behind ha) God really blessed me with being able to take a trip up to Seattle to see my cousin for her birthday! It was actually something that helped me face one of my fears and meet a goal: Go on a long trip alone. I drove about an hour alone back in August and that was a first but was nothing compared to going on a train all by myself for 3-4 hours. I was so nervous but God totally worked everything out and at the last minute things came together. I was able to see someone very special to me that weekend as well...and I really feel as though we were able to come a lot closer! I hate to admit that I slacked for my studies for the rest of that month...but God still has been working things out for me.
Later that same month, I was able to go visit my sister at her college! I was also able to see my special man friend haha and his sister performed. It was soo encouraging to hear her story and the meanings behind the different songs that she did that night. I really felt so inspired and want to always remember the things I learned. :) I was actually able to talk to her a lot more than I was expecting to and although there are just some things that I cant share with the world at this time, I really am hopeful of the future and my talk with her really helped me get a glimpse of what could possibly be later down the road. I also got to know her a lot better and see her beautiful soul. :)
For the month of November, it was a really long and difficult month. Its a full month ago now so I honestly dont remember all of the goings on that took place...but I just remember that God really helped me learn to trust him more. I think something that I'm very happy to tell you all about...is that one of the most important lessons that He helped me learn..was how to let go and forgive. I plan (going to try ha) to write a piece on forgiveness soon...but basically in short, I've always found it pretty easy to forgive. No one has ever really hurt me in such a deep way that I wasn't eventually able to move on. But lately I've heard songs by Matthew West ("Forgiveness") and also the band Tenth Avenue North (their song called "Losing") in a new way. I've heard those songs countless times but lately they've come so alive to me. Something I've known for a while and just was afraid to act on...was the fact that you can SAY you forgave someone. But if you're still thinking and talking about it, even if you're talking to yourself about it (which I talk to myself a lot haha) you haven't fully forgiven that person. Letting it go and forgiving means you dont keep thinking about it, you dont keep holding those things against that person even if its only in your mind. I think so often we assume that it only counts if we actually DO something...but the thoughts are just as important if not more so. Anyway, there was this one thing in particular that I had the hardest time letting go of. And again I lied..I said I'd keep it short so I'll just save some of this stuff for another time, but I had something that had happened to me a while back..that only recently did I start realizing its true effect on me. It's hurt like none other and yet somehow God helped free me and helped me to forgive. I cant tell you how happy and free I feel now. :)
I took a really big step with that and also finally standing up for myself with something and I'm so thankful I did. The rest of the month was basically trusting God with things that made no sense, and he came through. I've been reading my Bible more lately and has been coming alive in my life. :) Also, my Aunt was here for about 2 weeks for Thanksgiving and my sister was able to come as well for a day! Finally caught up now..I hope maybe this helps encourage anyone out there that might read this and just know that God has a purpose for even the most confusing things in life. :) Thanks for your time! 

In all things, I am thankful

So for the month of October, God really had a lot that he showed me and helped me learn! The first week was actually a very difficult one with the loss of my friend and I actually wasn’t able to really think on everything the way I wanted to and let myself grieve. I had so many things going on trying to get ready to take what I had hoped could’ve been my last test before graduation and my mom had been in the hospital with an injured hand. God works in mysterious ways though because with all that happened with losing my friend, my mom being hurt and many other things that happened…I learned that I really need to live my life to the fullest. I cant be living in fear or in the past because when you think about the fact that you might not have another day to live…it really turns your world upside down and you think of everything in a new light. There are things that you used to think mattered that you realize at the end of the day didn’t really matter to the extent that you thought. There was a reason that I wasn’t able to get all the studying in that I wanted and there’s a reason that I didn’t pass that day. I don’t understand everything but I know that God really does have something beautiful in all the things that seem to go wrong. Sometimes things have to go wrong for us to really grasp the lessons that we would never have learned if things had been going right.

Part 2--the sweeter the kiss

So it’s not exactly “tomorrow” like I promised, and I apologize for that!
My summer was one of the best and busiest that I’ve had in a long time…as I mentioned in my last post, I decided that part of what I want this year of age 21 to be about for me…is reaching dreams and goals that I’ve either been afraid to go for or just have kept putting off. So the month of August found me at college…trying to finish school. I was scared to death believe me! The first step (arranging the tests) was the scariest and hardest for me…and yet after I finally did it, I was thinking to myself “why on earth did I wait so long?!” Well, the first 4 of my tests (which I took over the course of the month) went so much better than I could’ve ever hoped. I passed 2 of them with flying colors, and the other 2 I did really well with as well! I was able to go visit some family for family reunion…and that was a week where I really feel like I was able to grow some. The next couple weeks were really busy as well, and I had a surprise at the end of the month when I was able to see someone that is really special to me! I honestly didn’t think I’d be able to see him till November and although the circumstances for why he was home early were really sad, I was so grateful that he got the chance to do so and that I was lucky enough to see him within the first week that he came home. It really meant the world to me that I was one of the only people that knew that he was home and that he made time with me in spite of how busy he was! The title of my last post fit so perfectly, because the fact that he and I waited so long before being able to see each other, really did make the kisses all the sweeter and the wait was worth it! September was really crazy as well…and near the end of the month my mom had to go to the hospital so I was busy taking care of her and studying and such for my last test. I experienced the loss of a very dear friend of mine that my family has known my whole life, as well as helping my man deal with a loss himself, so it was a very difficult month. Needless to say, with all the hard times and stress, it made it hard to study and I didn’t pass the last test that I took. I do see some of the reasons for it though and am thankful that God is helping me learn to be more responsible for my time and to really grow and apply myself even in the hard times. It becomes so easy to just sit back and not do anything when life is difficult, so that was and is a hard lesson that I’ve been learning.

The Longer the Waiting, The sweeter the kiss

Hi friends! I honestly dont even know where to begin since it's been so long, and now that I think of it..I really dont think I even posted any updates during the summer!
Well to start off with: June, I was able to visit my aunt and uncle down at their house that they own on the beach! My family went there right after my sister moved to the beach..to visit her as well. :) It’s been so different having her gone but it was good seeing everyone!  A little later that same month, one of my other aunts came for a visit and we went to the beach again with her. I really had some of the best times with her and was able to relax and tune in more in my relationship with God and just have a lot of time to think which was really nice!

July came around, and was super busy. That’s really all I can remember…My aunt left the first week and then I was busy getting ready for my trip to Creation Fest! Honestly, it was one of the best weeks all summer! I really learned a lot from the different speakers and artists that were there! I noticed that God also had me go out of my comfort zone in so many ways and experiences that week…which was actually an answer to prayer cause one thing that I came to acknowledge was that I was really letting fear control me way too much and I wanted to change that but didn’t know how. So Creation was the first week of me actually taking time to improve that area of my life and believe me, I had my opportunities and really was beyond my element which I’m so thankful for because even though there were a lot of people that weren’t there that I wanted to be with…I really think it was one of the best years ever. I really loved the people that I worked with and I was able to meet people that I would’ve never been able to know if I  would’ve let fear control me! I actually have a God moment that I want to share in one of my posts in the future…about one of the new friends that I made! Honestly, I really believe that God brought her into my life…it was the craziest thing and she and I really didn’t go to as many concerts. I really don’t think there were that many groups that I actually went and saw this year mainly cause she and I were talking a majority of the time at our campsite that we shared. It’s not even the kind of girl chat that you would think, cause I know what you’re probably thinking “wow Kallayah, you go to creation and then you don’t go to a lot of the concerts cause you’re having girly time talking at the campsites” but it wasn’t like that at all ahha. She and I were able to talk about our relationships with God and what we felt he has been calling us too and it was just amazing. Anyway…that was a fantastic week and then the week after was a big one too since I turned 21! I still cant believe it and I know you wouldn’t think that much would change…it’s not even the fact that I’m not a minor anymore. For some reason, 21 seems like the year that I want to face my fears and meet as many goals and dreams as possible. And believe me, right from the first day of being 21 I did just that. Anyway, since I have limited time on here…I cant really go into anymore detail than that but will hopefully tomorrow! Anyway, I just wanted to post an update to let y’all know that I’m alive just been super busy! Hope you all are doing well and that you are blessed!

Always a purpose..part 2!

So for part 2 of the things I learned from Easter week:
Love what you have while you have it..and dont just expect that you get more days to get things right (whatever that means to you personally, since it's different for everyone)!
Also, love the people in your life like you dont have tomorrow, put in perspective that sometimes your pain isn't as bad as you think. Be thankful for life & dont waste your time on things that don't matter. Appreciate God's protection & provision, and also remember that sometimes the little things turn out to be the big/most important things in life!
Something else that I've been thinking of, is if there's anything you know you need to do etc, do it while you're thinking of it..whether it's praying for someone, doing an important project that you'd rather not do,,,it can be anything. It's important to do it right away though cause you may forget later on or you might just keep putting it off till later and then you actually never get around to it. That is all for now but I want to thank you all for reading this..I hope you were blessed and that you have a great night!

Always a purpose :)

Hi everyone! :) In my last post, I mentioned how the past week was really rough..and though I dont really understand everything even still...I know that everything has purpose and if nothing else it can make you stronger. So, I thought I'd share some of the things that I learned!
I learned that whether you lose a friend to death or a choice..that it's important to treasure the friends/people in your life, and sometimes standing up for your beliefs will result in lost friendships, but if that person was really your friend in the first place..they'll hang in there rather than walking out.

With Easter I learned that I want God’s love to compel me to make a difference. Living in his freedom means that in His name I can go for my dreams and be open with people cause I don’t have to be bound by fear or the devil anymore! It also so means I should spend more time with him and life for him in everything.
I'll post part 2 tomorrow! Night everyone..I hope the few things that I mentioned were of some encouragement and that you have a great day!

He has it all in His hands!

It's been forever, so I thought I'd post some updates! :)
My sister has now been gone for a week and it still doesn't really feel like she's actually moved out..probably cause she used to always leave for the weekend and then when she wasn't working at camp, she'd be with her best friend. I've found that since she left, I'm actually coming closer to her and she's chatting with me and my family more often so even though it's kinda sad that it took her moving out for us to get closer, I'm thankful for it. <3
The weekend after she left was Easter weekend..and there were so many things going on, it was crazy. One thing that happened..was I lost a friend and my nephew, so it was a difficult weekend but in spite of it all, I was still able to focus on Christ and what he did for us. I feel like I came closer to Him just in realizing that I was the one that deserved to die, and yet he chose to take my place. I drew a picture..that I'll try to post soon possibly, as a reminder of what he did. It was truly a beautiful weekend. The Good Friday service was wonderful-there was an african children's choir/dance team that sang and it really filled me with passion to go all over the world and maybe use dance to make God known and make a difference in the world.
As for this past week..to be quite honest, it was one of the worst I've experienced in a long time and still recovering from it. For starters, after losing a friend and nephew over the weekend..my family's bunny suddenly died right after I got home from work and it ended up being harder than we all thought it'd be. 2 days later, found out that my cousin's baby died and that my friend's wife also died. I dont really know what is going on or why these things had to happen but I trust God and I know he still has a plan for everything..its just been really hard to keep going about life when so much has happened. Anyway, I know that was kind of a downer but I wanted people to be encouraged that even in the hard times, God still loves us and he still has a story that he's writing for us. :)

Dare to Dream

Something that I've been thinking lately, is how hard it is for me to really let myself be FREE. Free to be me, free to dream. I think I've just been so used to being boxed in, being shown how things were going to be etc..that I just am not used to the fact that I can go near anywhere do anything that I could imagine. In the past week or so..I feel like these really difficult decisions have been presented..and I'm not sure how I'm liking things so far. I feel like every time I try to make a valuable decision, it either turns out not to matter, or it turns out that I feel miserable or something. While I know that's not always the case, it seems that is the majority of things go. I have these dreams of college..and of the difference that I want God to make through me being his hands and feet..but then I think I'm just not used to dreaming so big and having things turn out, so I make excuses and dont put myself out there. It's official that my sister is leaving for Canon Beach to work there for the summer, in about 13 days and its definitely a motivation for me to go out there and meet life with reckless abandon. It's a little funny and odd..but I saw this picture of a tattoo on a wrist that actually looked like mine and it said: Dare to Dream. I was thinking how really, that's my life motto. I live to dream big and allow God to use those big dreams to do big things for him. But at the same time I was thinking of how long ago it's been that I've let myself truly dream and be fully myself. Probably my junior year of high school. For those of you who know me pretty well..you know what has gone down since then..but those situations, though they helped make me stronger, yes..I think in some ways I compromised who I was to get the attention and "love" of someone that never loved me never cared really what i sacrificed. Kinda reminds me of the Notebook, where Ally finally realized that all along she had always liked to paint..but she had forgotten cause she hadn't been her true self for a while. Her true love..was what brought that true "self" to life in the first place..and who inspired her to bring it back to life later on. I feel like the person that I care for deeply (I'm sure they know who they are haha at least I hope they do) has really brought out that in me..the real me that I have kept hidden for a long time. Now that the people in my past are gone..I have felt a freedom like none other, and finally starting to go for the things that I've always wanted and realized things that I always tried to brush off..and now that I finally see those things, I'm scared. Only time will tell how everything will turn out..but I know how I'd like to see this all play out, roughly. I have always said that unless a person is giving their all to something..they shouldn't complain. So i want to start really giving God my everything first and give it some time before I start worrying about anything. Yeah..I've been feeling unsure and kinda down even, but I think its mostly because all of this is becoming so real I can almost taste it. I dont know if any of this makes sense..but my hope is that if anyone out there is reading this, feels unsure about their future and relates to some of the other things I've mentioned..that they can be encouraged in knowing they are not alone. I actually think that sometimes the devil likes to discourage us when he knows that we can do big things..maybe bigger than what we realize. Maybe that's whats happening with you and also with me, but I hope we always realize that we dont have to do this alone and that God can help us overcome any obstacles that come our way. We got this one with his strength, anything is possible! :)

Would You Go with me...

I feel like so much always happens in between all my posts and then I end up writing a novel haha! Once again..lots of news to share, and I'm not sure if some of it I've already written about so bear (sp?) with me! :)
First..I think I might've mentioned that my dad is now doing college which is definitely crazy and different but I'm so proud of him and already he's been telling me about some of his ideas for what he's going to do after he graduates so i hope that all of his dreams come to pass! We still haven't heard anything as to whether or not he got the job in North Carolina..though we will most likely know in June. I want to have a willing heart towards whatever God has for my family..and if I'm included in the move, then even more so as at the moment I don't feel that is where I'm being called but God doesn't always work how we think..often it turns out far better than we ever imagined. So either way I know that everything will work out in the end. :)
With my sister..not only did she pass her SAT, but she also got accepted at the university that she wants to attend..both events being things we never expected and if you know my family you know why haha. ;) We were all excited for her..and just this week she also had an interview and got a job to work at Canon Beach. My mom is already anticipating the day that my sister leaves lol! Not sure yet as to when she will be leaving..but it's looking like May or possibly even next month.
New in my life..I like to leave things a mystery especially for those who know me haha..but my hair is now 4-6 inches shorter and it all happened by accident but it's not half bad actually haha.
For me in the area of college and jobs...had a job offer for next week but going to see how that goes..and its a one time thing rather than a regular ongoing job. I'm thankful for everything I get though and so happy that I might be starting my own business soon but we'll have to see hah. Definitely going to try to work a lot more since I do really want to go to college soon ish. I have just really been feeling like maybe God is calling me overseas..and to possibly even go to a school that is through a mission organization that I was part of in high school. Right now that's all I will say about that since nothing is for sure on that yet. I just feel that every where I look..there is something to remind me and just ignite something in my heart towards missions. I just cant put into words what it is. I feel as though if I were to go to this school...and go on with what I feel like I might be called to..that it would honestly be my biggest dream come true. If any of you read this and feel so lead..any prayers would be much appreciated as this is something that I want to be absolutely sure of and would love for it to all work out if it's God's plan for me. I just don't want to be too hasty, and go for the wrong reasons. I do feel like this could all work out but at the same time I dont want to just be imagining it and I dont want to wait forever waiting for a zap of lightning figuratively speaking..in order to know that this might be what I'm suppose to do. Thanks so much!!
I think that's it for now on the updates..there were some other things that I have learned this week in my devos that I want to share but definitely want to write more on it when I have time to do so haha. Thank you so much for taking your time to read this and many of my other blogs..I love you all and hope you have a great night or day..wherever this post finds you! :)

If you really want to, you can seize the day

Well I think for a change this might be a shorter ish entry haa :P
I wanted to share another devotional that has really been an encouragement to me this past week:
It was talking about how we need to really be open to God sometimes working in ways that we truly don't understand. Sometimes God will take you through different experiences that way you can be ready for the things he has for you at the time that he designed.
You'll have times when God asks you to do things that seem scary but know that God brought you there and that he has allowed everything that has happened for a reason.Let God work in your life and he will prepare you for moments of greatness & use you in awesome ways, like he did with the different people in both bible times..and even today. :)

Visions

Carayzay things have been goin' on today!! My whole family is sick..as am I ; again ha. But today was nice..beautiful sun was out. I always love when the sunshowers pour over my face..it lightens my life/day so much, and since I was sick today it gave me a cheerful vibe that I very much so needed. :)
My mom and I got to share some bonding time..mainly just watching funny video clips/funny pics on fb. It dawned on me today that pretty much everyone in my family is going for their dreams in some shape or form and I think that was another thing that made me so happy today. My dad is going back to college again to get his Masters...and just today, we all found out that my younger sister Abby has been accepted to George Fox..which is crazy to think of since she is my little sis and I never thought this day would come so soon haha! It's super encouraging too cause i know she's a grade or so behind and yet she hasn't let anything slow her down for what she wants to do! Also my dad..after all these years going back to college and running in races again..so inspiring! The past couple days I've been thinking of what I want to do and after the different things that have been going on in the past month..things are becoming a lot clearer I would say. I'm starting to see what I actually want in life..both for a future job, and just more of the woman that I want to become for God and my future family/husband, as well as my current family and friends. I think just being sick 2x in the past week and a half has really been teaching me a lot. I'm not the type that likes to just NOT do anything..makes me feel useless, ya know? But today I was really encouraged to just at least read up on the different things I'm interested in developing more..it was a good day. I've also been getting back to my art finally! Haha did 4 pictures over the weekends..mainly of 2 important people to me. I have to say that it was so refreshing to get back to my artistic side..poetic side too, as I added poem type stuff to my pics...and I found that i learned more about the people that I was drawing pics of. It really awoke something within me..and caused me to want to reach inside to really grasp the things that I've been keeping hidden for a while.
Today..another crazy thing happened..though it seemed like nothing, I got a dance magazine that I didn't realize I even signed up for aha and it just really did something to my heart, made me realize just how much of a passion I have for all thigns art and creativity. The past 2 days I've been talking a lot more to my cousin..and we've been talking a lot about YWAM and hers and my connection therein..I really feel that maybe this could be the direction I head but I want to be absolutely sure about it. Something else I want to share..is that over the past week I have really been discovering so much about myself..things that I never knew, things that I had forgotten and I feel more alive than ever and ready to move forward in my life. I know that God has something wonderful in store and I am more than excited to see what that is! I think I have been too scared for so long that I refused to realize that I have these different desires for art/missions and the like. I'm finally really becoming and expressing myself better and it feels so freeing. I share these things in the hope that if there is anyone out there..if you feel like your life is going no where or if you are scared of what your future has for you..know that things CAN change. Even if you feel stuck, God WILL and CAN pull you out if you let him!! He really can give you a fresh start and help you let go of the past..whether its past hurts or just things you've done that you're not proud of..he is there and he can give you something to wake up excited about cause he is doing that for me! There is this quote that I read today and it really fits everything I've been facing the past month and I hope it is of encouragement to you as well!

"I can’t say I’m proud of my life, but I can say I’m proud that I’ve learned. I can’t guarantee I’ll be able to walk around with a smile, but I know where I’ve been and where I’m going. I know who I am and who my friends are. I’ve had some tough stuff thrown at me, but I’ve gotten by. I’m not one to complain so I’ll keep trying and in the end, I’ll know I did my best...."
This quote to me..really shows how as long as you give God your everything..give life your best..that is all that really matters and God will take that and turn it into something so beautiful your mind won't be able to contain it! :)
I know this is already a ridiculously long blog entry..but I want to share a devotional that was really encouraging to me this week and fits with what I've been talkin about today:
Vision:Do you have a vision for your life? It CAN be a reality! A good way to develop and pursue your vision is to see it in your imagination and talk about it as if it has already happened. See yourself the way God's word says you can be..having great things and your needs met.
Write down your goals..describe your ideal self's activities, appearance, values etc
Make it concrete so it feels as real as possible..by writing your goals, you help bring them to the real world.
Keep your list where you can see it often to check your progress and make sure your visions line up with God's word & have the right focus cause these visions can serve as stepping stones towards the person that God created you to be and the life he wants fo ryou. Don't ever give up on these visions that you think God has given you, until you have seen them come to pass. :)
-Love out Loud by Joyce Meyer
I hope y'all have a fantastic day or night whenever you read this..and until next time, know that I love you all! :)

Should've held on to my pride...

Not too much has happened the past couple of days to be honest. I was able to do my "decision making" and really feel so happy about the way things are unfolding. Can not wait to see how everything turns out. Really anticipating summer!! Started working on toning my legs yesterday, and even though it killed I can NOT wait for the results that I get to show off this summer haha. Cant wait for sundresses and bikinis :) Definitely feel like this could possibly be one of the best summers ever..CANT wait. I think I've finally been able to start mastering making and meeting short term goals to break down the time of "waiting". It used to be that I was looking ahead to the end of the 2 years..but now its more something of where I have it broken down to the first 3 months. SO I have a couple of goals that I'm going to try to meet before the end of May and really excited about everything. I really think that for the first time in forever things are going to start working out for me in my life..just in general and then in other areas of my life.
Yesterday was definitely one of the most successful days I have had in a long time and it felt amazing. Work was fantastic. I have this goal that I'm working on for the next 2 weeks so I hope that the results are better than I'm anticipating. And in 2 weeks I have a couple events that I'm really looking forward to. Hoping my dreams can really come true..that they're not too far fetched haha. Listening to music and my thoughts are all kinda jumbled right now..but in short..just finally reaching out for the kind of life I feel God has for me, and though things aren't easy along the way..I can finally say that I'm enjoying the journey which I really think is going to make the destination that much better. :) Not sure when my next update will be but I'll definitely be posting the things that I'm learning etc as I go along this adventure haha. :)

Thee next stepp

Update of the week thus far..here goes hah:
So, there were a lot of things that were bothering me this past week and it was getting to a point where I wasn't really enjoying the week as much as I could've. Part of that did have to do with the fact that I was sick..but something that I was really learning, is that you can NOT base your happiness on your circumstances..ESPECIALLY when those circumstances aren't really fully understood. I was able to start and finish getting caught up on my favorite show..the Bachelor..ya I'm a nut, what can I say!! I like it a lot though, not just cause you get to see the start and finish of a couple's love story..but because there are so many things that can be learned if you're looking. I was noticing how a lot of the girls were basing their happiness on whether or not they "got a date from Ben" and if they didn't, they were beyond pissed and they would bring everyone down along with them and it was one of those things where if I don't get a date you can't either. And then if they did get a date with him, they were on cloud 9 and would wave their success around in the other girl's face. It's funny when you watch it cause you'd never do that..or would you?? So I was just thinking if I were in their shoes would I be just as jealous..would I only be happy if things were going how I wanted, and that is when I realized that I had more thinking to do (as if I don't think enough but you know what I mean lol). I saw the importance of knowing who you are and being secure in that, and that even though some of the girls were going home..it wasn't cause there was something wrong with them and they (some) knew that..it was just cause they weren't right. I like how straight to the point the convos are and such..no beating around the bush persay. I'm sure there are a lot of other things that I've been learning..but just watching the different girls and their attitude towards life and just how the things that Ben (the Bachelor hah) is looking for.. a lot of people just in general look for those things too. You have to know who you are, be confident, but you also have to have good character cause if you don't..sooner or later your true colors are going to shine through and you're going to be like what did I do wrong, and never figure it out.
Anyway..I was mainly just upset about things that I didnt' really understand fully. I honestly can't write in too much detail the situations that were going on..since for now I don't even know how things are going to play out and I want to respect the people that it pertains to. But as always..I have THEE best BEST Friend ever and she, along with 2 other good friends of mine were sharing some advice on how I should handle things and I found it really helpful. The funny thing is that 2 of them don't really know any of what is going on and their advice came from their honest opinion from being on the outside of the situation. My best friend I think really gave me the most clarity and I love that I can tell her anything..everything and she always gets me. She has definitely been helping me walk in the right direction and I honestly believe that I'm becoming the best person I can be..thanks to God working in her! <3
I have this idea for the next 2 weeks..the goal I have is to actually make the changes that I know I need to make. To really stop putting it off. I know that there are certain things that I'm not ready for yet and I want to take the time and really take seriously the prep that I need to be doing. For the first time in forever, I finally feel like I have some wind under my wings and that I'm actually learning how to soar and I couldn't be happier. I know that the circumstances haven't changed at all and maybe they won't for a while but I want to have a better attitude about everything, and I really want to start putting myself out there cause I know that even though lately I have been pouring out a lot more..there is so much more that i have to offer! I know that I can do better and I know that I've not been giving life my 110%..in such a long time. It feels so good to be going back to the roots of when I was about 16. I never really shared my story I don't think..but honestly, back then I really feel like when I look back..I had it made. I was so close to God, I knew who I wanted to be and what I wanted to do. I didn't let people get me down, and I had such a vibrancy for life. I was my own person and I think that was what helped the love that I found that summer...last for so long. Given..it wasn't perfect, i was so young..but just having those roots have really helped inspire me for the woman that I'm blooming into. Instead of predicting when I think I'm going to break out and finally be that woman..I'm just taking it one day, one week, and one month at a time and though I would love for everything to be so much more complete around summer..I want to enjoy this journey for what it is and not be so overwhelmed trying to figure out what the destination is going to be cause I know that it's going to be so much more amazing and far more worth it than I could ever comprehend right now! In the area of love..I am going to honestly say, I don't really know yet what I want. I know that I have some things to work with that might take a lot of time..might not take as much time as I may think. But as corny as this may sound..I want this to maybe be the year that things start coming together in that compartment for me, and I would love nothing more than to have a real summer love this year. If it's with the one that it was before that would be fab but if not then I know that everything happens for a reason and I'm not going to worry about something that is yet far in the distance still. It's so crazy cause in that area and just in my life in general..I've been discovering so much about myself and I'm telling you..that when that day comes, the day when I finally feel ready for the next phase of my life..I'm going to be unstoppable and going to be the most beautiful thing that people have seen cause they will know where I've been and what it took to be where I will be on that day. I have ideas..for what I want that day to look like, but the biggest thing right now is letting go of the fear and trusting that God is going to lead me where he wants me to be. I really want to make the most of this week and next and honestly anything is possible. Not sure if my rambling made much sense haha but I hope maybe it helped give clarity to someone. :)
Now its time to go off and do my assignments that my best friend gave me so that she and I can have our meeting tomorrow and move on to the next step. Looking forward to brighter and better things and really hoping that everything works out in a way that I will adjust to and be happier than I'd be any other way. :) Night, my friends! <3

Gods mission/last entry :)

Hey everyone! Sorry its been so long since I've posted..well..anything haha. :/ I've been pretty sick the past couple days so if my post is hard to read it's cause my head isn't clear right now, but I thought I'd post something to update everyone. :) So for the last part of the God's Mission..lessons that I learned at the conference! I'm really hoping that I didn't forget the last one..it was supposed to be about how God loves all people the same..even the people that we think we have a right to hate. So tomorrow I'll double check on that and if I didn't post that, I will haha.
So for this last lesson that I heard at the mission conference (a full month ago now!)The speaker was Bishop Jeune and he is a part of Grace International so if you want to know more about the actual ministry, you should go to the website I belive its:GraceInternational.org. :)
He first started out by reading John 3:16 in the amplified version which you should totally check out especially if you've maybe grown up totally knowing the NIV version by heart. I have to say..when you hear a passage in the Bible that you've heard a billion times, it can be really easy to just let the words bounce off your ears but this version really resonated with my soul and my goodness..brought so much clarity. The speaker went on to say that God passionately wants to see the souls in this world, saved. When you are doing something for God;living a dream for him..its not you doing the vision,it's God doing it THROUGH you.If God has put a dream in your heart and you KNOW its from him, he WILL provide everything you need to bring the dream into reality!
From John 1:12&13 it was amazing cause this speaker said something in such a way that I've never heard before: God wants US to be the sons that he gives to the world. Since we are believers, we are God's sons and He wants to bless the world by giving them US as the answer that the world is looking for. if that makes sense..it totally made sense when I heard it hah.WE are the ones God wants to use to help save the world, and he wants every person possible to at least HEAR about him and even more so..he wants them to be SAVED. Whether or not we see it this way, we're ALL missionaries & we're a part of his purpose. Something comforting..is that no matter what kind of dangerous places we are in..we have to TRUST that as long as God's plan isn't over for us, he WILL protect us. If things are looking impossible and you're trying to live out His purpose, he will bring a miracle along to help you complete his mission for you.
God's mission/dream that he's given you..no matter how things look right now, he WILL bring to pass so if something hasn't quite progressed for you yet, just trust him as you do all you can. It isn't up to you to know what to do, it's in God's hands.
As you do what you know you're suppose to, let God do the rest.
Whatever it may be..go do what you feel God is telling you to do, and go where he tells you to go. Don't worry about anything, God will take care of EVERYTHING. Ask yourself:what is holding YOU back??
For tonight and on that subject, that's all I have but I've been thinking of other things lately..things that God has been showing me in my devotionals and such so definitely going to be updating on more things soon! I hope you all have a fantastic evening and that maybe this post has inspired something within you.
Search deep within yourself..& really see what dream you think God has given you. It might seem crazy, it might not seem like it fits, but it's there for a reason. Especially if its a dream that you've had for a really long time that no matter how hard you try to put it out of your mind it just stays there. Never for one moment think that you don't matter, or that things are impossible because NOTHING is impossible when you are living your life IN Christ! You were made for something BIG and when you are living a life in God, there is no such thing as the mediocre life. Remember to take at least 15 min of every day & for a couple months, focus on doing that one thing that you are most passionate about. It might mean you teach yourself something new, maybe sign up for a new class..but whatever it is go do it because NOTHING is a mistake. Even those classes you might've taken that you think you'll never use..you never know, God has a reason for those things. Don't let your past or mistakes, whether past or current..get you down. That's just what the devil wants, as cliche' as that may sound its true. His goal is to get you to give up. He doesn't care if it happens now so long as it happens before you die. Just remember that. And as weird as this may sound, I honestly believe that the more potential the devil sees in you..the harder he's going to try to get you to give up..and he's going to do it by whatever means possible. So just remember that cause sometimes just being aware of that helps you bring in the right focus into your situation. You're not alone..you have God and I'm sure you have wonderful friends that are here for you, and if they're not..then just know that whether or not you know me, or whether or not we're close yet..I'm here for you and I believe in you. This is what I live for:encouraging people to be the best they can be, whether they know me in person. :) Talk to y'all later!

God's Passion;Your Action--part 2 :)

So for part 2 of the Mission ConneXion...there was this other speaker and he has a big heart for muslims. he was talking about how its not really the people that is the problem, it's more their religion..islam..and that if we knew more about them we would realize that the reason they are so hostile towards us..is cause they see us the way we see them. And that is basically they see us as a bad/evil country, and they think that they are following God by killing others, hence why so many suicides, bombs and the like. So that really opened my eyes to see that they are just the same as us..they just dont realize that the beliefs they have aren't based on truth. The speaker was saying how we need to give God our will and our hearts, not just our minds. And he was saying that we need to learn how to be soldiers of peace and love. There are still so many unreached people groups that it would take till 2025 for the whole world to learn about God at the rate of missionaries going out now. He was talking about how sometimes (most times actually) the way we live speaks more than our actual words do and that people are watching whether or not we notice. People want to see if you really love God the way you say you do. Then the speaker was telling the story of the fishermen trying to get fish and then Jesus telling them to cast their nets on the other side. The fact they were pros and he was a woodworker is what makes their act of faith that much more amazing. They cast their nets in the dark with no way of knowing what was going to happen, and sometimes we have to do the same in our lives and take those steps of faith and just trust that it is a God thing and that we're not just going crazy. He asked the question of whether or not God is fully our master. He was also asking what are our reasons for not being overseas? We need to be paying attention to whether or not we are keeping anything from God..and ask how BIG our God is to us.God wants us to be involved and people of action.
There is still one more speaker that i wanted to talk about haha so definitely in the next couple days! :)

God's Passion;Your Action--part 1

I can't believe that I have made it the first month of the year haha! I meant to write sooner, but so much has been going on. Not sure if I'll have time to write it all in one night..but the Mission ConneXion conference...was SO beyond amazing and I learned so much! Trying to sum it up..this is what I learned over the 2 days. :)
1. The first workshop that I chose to go to, was called Carving God's Word into Poeple's hearts. This Artist was talking about how we can use the passions that God has given us, to make a difference in the world. He was saying how even though we don't like having those difficult people in our lives..that we need "aggitaters" in our lives to make us stronger, and to kill the same negative things that we don't like in them..in our lives. He was talking about how we need to have willing hearts and trust God with where he leads us cause sometimes things go in ways that we don't like or think they should go.Also, sometimes he will be leading us to go somewhere or do something that we don't feel ready for and we have to trust that God has a plan. He was talking about how if we want to hear God's voice, we have to simplify our lives, find silence and solitude. Then, we need to examine our hearts and pay attention to our motives for why we do things.We need to fully surrender EVERYTHING to God. He was asking the question of what is in your heart that you can use to make a difference, even if it seems crazy? He was saying how we need to be who we are cause God created us that way for a reason and was saying how we need to take what we love, develop it hear, and then take it out in the world..and to let the fear or anything else that would hold us back, go.


The main speaker that night, also had some really interesting things that he said:
We have to make sure that we're living WITH, not just FOR God.
We have to realize that God has put the different desires in our hearts for a reason, and that reason is exactly what/how he wants us to serve him with our lives.
Give your dream to God cause you can't protect it, but he can.
You need to be "saddled up" and ready to go where God leads you WHEN he leads you.
Be open to him working in ways that you dont expect, and know that God will help you with whatever he leads you to do.He's not going to take you somewhere and then leave you in the dark.
We need to pray for blessings in the lives our our enemies.
We need to be willing to help people in need and just love them.
Sometimes you'll have to rearrange the way you think in order to live the way God wants you to.
Obedience is more important than knowledge. You have to be ready to obey and you have to have a teachable heart.
You also have to be willing to actually listen and learn the things that you don't know yet.
Be open to what God has but also know that when you step out for God, there will be so many ways that the devil will try to stop you so stay strong in God so he can help you over come those things.
Let God give you ideas for how to make a difference and then follow through.
Lastly..you dont have to know everything or be experienced to do what God wants you to do, so give all of your life to him.

There were 2 other speakers that I heard that weekend but my internet is about to die haha..so I hope that if any of you read that, that maybe it sparked something in you like it did with me, and I hope that you will know that God has put the things that you love, in your heart for a reason and that if you just trust God with those things and not let the devil stop you, you can do bigger things than you have ever imagined!

it can make you stronger!!

I'm so excited that in less than a day, it will be the Mission ConneXion! I have been waiting a long time for this, and the last time that I went was about 2 years ago! It's weird cause all the other times that I've gone to a mission event like this..I think it was mainly just something to do with my youth group and a way to hangout with my friends and I don't think that my heart was in all of what the different speakers were saying. I think for me, missions was one of 2 things: you are basically going over seas to tell people about Jesus and then you try to translate bible in their language and then you help plant churches. and yes, all of that is needed but it just never really clicked with my heart. And then the last time that I was there, there was this Art workshop and the speaker was talking about how there are organizations where you can use your heart to still make a difference and tell others about God..and actually love what you do! So that got me really excited and then I dont know what it is, but this is just where I feel like God is pulling me right now and I don't know what it means. I know what I hope it will mean..but I want to know that this is something that God has for me and not just something that I think he wants for me..if that makes sense? Like I want to know that I'm not just doing this to be closer to anyone or whatever it would be that I would be doing this for. I don't think I would do something that crazy though..I want to really live out my dreams and right now I think this is the dream I have. But yeah anyway, I'm really excited to see what all God might show me tomorrow! so far not sure if any or many of my friends are going but I'm going either way..and I know that in all things, God uses everything in our lives to make us stronger in him, and to make a difference in the lives of the people that we come in contact with every day! So many other things on my mind like usual haha but yes this could be a good weekend and definitely hope to have some amazing updates when I come back from the weekend! Hope everyone is having a great night!:)

Smile because it happened...

SO!I know its been a while that I've posted anything so I thought I'd post some updates haha. Definitely been a long week or 2! So 2 Sundays ish ago..I was supposed to see someone very dear to me but it didn't work out..and its going to be quite a while before I see him so it was pretty disappointing but I know that God has his reasons for everything and sometimes we're not ready yet for things that God has for us later on in the future and so we need more time to prepare! The good part to the situation was that I was able to see my youth pastor one last time before he moved to Olympia..and I'm so very glad that I was blessed in that way! It was a lot harder than I was expecting..its one of those things where you know what's coming but you aren't prepared even if you had a lot of time to compose your thoughts and such. Definitely a bittersweet day but I know that everything will be alright..God has big things planned for all my loved ones that are moving, and also plans for my life as well and at the end of all of this..for some situations there will be longer periods of time in between seeing each people..but it will be beautiful all on its own, in it's unique way. My best friend has always been there for me through the thick and thin and I'm so thankful that I have her in my life. :) She kept me sane through the week!! Definitely wanted to keep busy and even though there were days that were hard and it didn't seem that I kept that busy..the first week is now over!
I was thinking of something earlier..not just in this area but just in general..how love isn't really and truly love unless there is a challenge to it. Anyone can love someone that is nice to you..or when things are easy. Only a strong person can hang on when the going gets rough..and only a strong person chooses to love the unlovable..and I'm afraid that this week there were at least 2 times where I really fell short from that and definitely is something that I want to work on.
I've also been thinking a lot about where I might feel God calling me right now and it's a bit scary..because I feel as though unlike so many other times..God doesn't want me to know yet what the next step is. He just wants me to do the things that I know I'm supposed to do now, and he will meet me at point B when the timing is right. I just get so impatient while I see everyone else starting their lives, living their dreams and yet I still feel stuck in the same place and feel as though I'm supposed to wait..I just feel like I'm wasting time! I sometimes want to fast forward so I can see how everything turns out..so I know whether or not I'm making the right choices, going in the right direction..and whether or not I'm investing my time and emotions in the right places and with the right people..
This coming week I think is going to be a good one!! Thinking of going to bed really early tonight so I can get a early start tomorrow with all that I have to do; I have major studying to do!! And then Tuesday is work..and a date with the best friend! Wed is actually the only free day..but after that I think my weekend starts..going to be a busy one! Thursday I'm thinking of trying the college group with my old church since its been a while that I've been a part of a small group now that my mentor is gone..and also Friday and Sat I think are going to be quite exciting days cause its going to be the mission conference! Hoping that I can go both days, but definitely excited to see what God might show me and if he stirs my heart with something! I dont really know why..but I just have this fascination with missions in the past couple months! Maybe its that so many people I know are heading out doing missions..but I think its more than that. I think my heart is waking up and realizing that there is so much out there that I never even realized! It's a bit odd cause my whole life I've wanted to use my passions--i.e. art..and make a difference in the world for God..and make him known, share his love with as many people possible..and do missions. I always feared that maybe I would just stay in the same town my whole life..that I would just do mission stuff with my church and that I would just do art locally. But then I found something that my old youth group inspired me with..I know I've talked about it before but I've definitely been looking into YWAM and other ministries that have the combinations that I'm looking for. I've always dreamed of something larger than what I just shared..staying in the same place. Dont get me wrong though, if this is where God wants me for the rest of my life I know that he will work everything out and shift my desires to be more of what he wants. I just really never let my heart open up to the idea of something bigger..I have always wanted to travel the world more..never like staying in the same place for too long..and I've always wanted to use my passions TO make a difference..not just do the 2 (missions and art) separately. I don't even know how I might do this yet..I don't know if it will work out but that is what I want this year to be about..finding out how far these dreams can go. Maybe I dont have the money or other means of making this happen but that has never stopped those who are truly following God so I want to take a step of faith and just see where God is leading me, and that is a lot of why i want to go to this mission conference this next weekend! Most of the times that I used to go in previous years (the last time I went was when I was still in highschool..actually right after graduation)..I would mainly just go cause my youth group was going. I never thought that I'd go do missions..though I wanted to make God known..I realize now that a lot of that was because I was scared and had a lack of knowledge. I was scared to go somewhere that I've not been in forever (aka africa, europe are the main places I went that I feel like I'd love to see again) and I didn't realize that missions was more than just translating bible's in other people's language. There was this one class I went to one year at the mission conference and it was talking about how God instills the desire to be artistic for a reason..and that we CAN use those desires to make a difference and that just excited me like you wouldn't believe. Honestly..I think it would be the best of both worlds if I could do art and missions together. Everything is still unclear though but I know that God is putting the pieces together and that he's setting up the stage for his drama! :) Anyway..I just thought I'd share that..oh and something also that I wanted to mention..I think I'm totally better from the thing that was wrong with me!! :)
Night all..love each and every one of you!

Don't cry because it's over..

This has been one of the longest days in a long time. It was one of those feelings that I knew what was happening but everything was in slow motion and my heart wouldn't let me believe it. Sometimes I wonder whether or not I have the strength to endure all that's going on. Will this actually be a good year or am I just a fool to even hope for that? Well, like I've mentioned before..its all about the heart you have..the attitude and what you make of the situations you face..not the things that actually happen to you. Yeah this year is getting off to kinda rough patch but you know what? its not going to kill me; its going to make me stronger. God knows that I can handle this and he wouldn't allow anything that he didn't think he couldn't get me through. It's going to be a long tear-filled night, but those tears aren't always a bad thing. Sometimes its good to know that you're still alive and that you actually cared about something. It's not the end..its just good bye for now. It's not being ignorant to the situations that are going on, its being hopeful that God has something bigger going on behind the scenes than we can ever comprehend. So many partings this month but its not really these people leaving me..its God placing them somewhere else because they're going to make a difference..maybe more than what they've made here..somewhere else. I would never want to rob the world of something beautiful that these wonderful people have to offer. I smile through the tears because I know that something amazing is about to happen..and I know that God is going to rock each and every one of these people's lives like they..or I could never even imagine. I'm not going to pretend that this doesn't hurt..but I'm also not going to let it get me down cause someday..I'll be able to look back and be like "this is why God let this happen, and I would never trade it for anything in the world because I wouldn't be the woman I am today without that experience" I hope that maybe this encourages someone..and that together, we can make this world a family..