Hey everyone!! I know it's only been a couple days but I wanted to let you in on the latest that's been going on in my life! So some of you may know that I was needing to pay the rest of my ticket money for outreach. What happened, is the school paid the difference that I still owed and they were waiting for me to be able to pay them back so that the full amount would be turned in. Well up til yesterday, I just didnt have the funds I needed. My teacher asked me to pray about whether or not I felt I should go to outreach cause the school needed to make a decision...my teacher has really been so amazing! She has been so patient and trying her best to talk the school into waiting for me to get all the funds I need. They dont normally do that with students but yeah, yesterday was the deadline for the plane tickets. My class did a love offering though cause there were 3 of us that still needed funds, and all together we were able to raise around $6,000 just from my class!! I was about to get about $2,000 which covered the ticket amount!! I still have to have the rest (about a thousand more) by this Friday but I know that anything is possible and if God wants me to go, he will make it happen!! Today in class, my teacher asked us to think about the things we've learned since coming hear and something that we're still struggling with. I've really been learning so much while I've been here and I really can say that I know God on a whole other level. Something that I'm still struggling with is trusting God with my heart. When I say that, I'm not saying that in the context of "trust God with my whole heart" is if there is a lack of passion. It's more of trusting God to take CARE of my heart...that he will keep it safe. I think I'm really terrified because my heart has been so battered that its hard to really believe that maybe good things will be able to STAY in my life. I know that God really has the best in mind and I think the thing God has been teaching me is that sometimes it's not about knowing WHERE to go although that does seem to be a common theme in my life. Sometimes, it's about WAITING for the TIME for the direction that you may already have. I could be wrong, but I think I have a little idea of where God might want me to go after this (like right now it's not even 100% percent certain) but I think it might just be a matter of not the "where" but the "when" God would want me to move. Anyway, its been really hard trusting God to keep my heart safe. I trust him with the finances and the other things...those things aren't even really a big deal because I am absolutely confident but at the same time, I think the reason for that is I dont really feel like I have too much to risk and I know that I'll be ok one way or another. But with my heart, I could lose everything and I know for a fact that I wouldn't be ok for a long time if that was broken again. At the same time, I've heard people say things like "why would God let you be hurt like that when you're trying hard to seek His will in everything?" So I dont really know what to think other then me just trying to trust God. I think the other thing too that I'm worried about is the fact that we're not going to have much or any internet while we're gone, and I just have this thing where I want to be able to stay in contact with as many people as I can and I really dont like separation.
With getting ready to leave, there are so many things to do and lots of fundraising in between. We've been doing run-throughs and we're going to be performing next week...the first performance is going to be 20 minutes in the livestream of our worship service so remember that link I post every week? Look for that next week and you'll have a little tease for what our show will be like when we start touring soon. The only USA places we'll be are going to be LA and Vegas, so if you want to see us or are in/close to one of those areas, you'll get to see the whole thing! We're actually not allowed to post anything (videos) on facebook or other sites online so unless I send it to you directly, I cant show it to anyone. Anyway, some friends and I are working on a fundraiser video that we're going to try to post tomorrow. I would say that it's turning out really well especially since none of us really has professional training! Please continue to pray...that my heart needs will be taken care of and that I'll be able to stay in contact with all you guys. I believe that God will take care of me but sometimes it's hard not to let the enemy convince me otherwise. Thank you all for being there! Please also pray for me as I'm working on a new dance that I need to have perfect by next Thursday. Thank you guys so much, I love and miss all of you!! Blessings, Kallayah :)
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Monday, June 10, 2013
He is my light, my strength, my song
Hi everyone!! I just wanted to thank you all for staying updated with everything I post. I know that it's often scattered out so much so that you never really know when you're going to see a post from me, so it really means a lot that you take the time to read all of what I say!! It also really means a lot that you want to participate with me in this journey! Some of you may already know this, but just the fact that you are praying for me, encouraging me, and supporting me financially means that you are in this too!! God is using you in mighty ways even if you might not see it!!
Since this is my more personal update, I'll share the heart-level things that God has been doing in the last couple days/weeks (however long its been since the last post haha).
Since this is my more personal update, I'll share the heart-level things that God has been doing in the last couple days/weeks (however long its been since the last post haha).
Firstly, for those of you who may not have heard yet...we've had to see about 6 student/staff friends go home due to God just leading them elsewhere. This doesn't mean defeat for their lives, it just means that God has something else for them that might be better suited then being on outreach and God will use them just as much there, just differently!! We've really had so much spiritual warfare in the last 2 weeks...well actually since day one but especially lately. I might've said on facebook that some of us have had visa issues, others were sick or fighting emotional battles. The thing that we as a class really started to see more clearly is that 1) when Satan is coming to steal what is rightfully yours, he's not going to do it in a way that's obvious. That's not how he works, he is a sly one. 2) He will ALWAYS attack you in the areas that God is calling you to the most...convincing you that maybe you're not good enough at something or just that it's not for you. 3) He always attacks you where you're the most weak. Why would he attack you in an area that you could care less about?? It sounds obvious but some of us were saying just last week "oh if this other thing was happening to me, then I'd be able to fight it..." Well why do you think the devil is attacking an area that you cant make it without God?? You are a threat to him and you should actually be scared if he ISNT tormenting you cause it means that he doesnt have to worry about you anymore. He literally is terrified of you but he tries to blind us to make us think we have no power. He makes us feel stupid, not good enough...you name it, and stops us right in our tracks and doesnt want us to progress to the future God has. It was just really interesting how personal all of the attacks were. For a friend of mine, it was sickness and she HATES being sick. For me, thankfully I've not had to deal with sickness much and I think its cause even if I was sick, I wouldn't care. I would still fight. But for me, the attacks were mentally and emotionally...my two most sensitive areas. The devil likes to attack areas of progress too...especially when they have a lot of potential and power that God can use for His Glory.
About a week ago, we were doing what we call Plum Line and I think I might've talked about it some, but I really made a lot of break throughs and I was able to cut a soul tie that was haunting me for the longest time. It was so neat cause I've been told here a few times that I would be healed and that the memories of the past would be totally erased. Get this: This friend of mine said she had a vision and that it was of me looking on Google (which I do a lot) and the thing I was searching for kept being denied. The thing I was looking at was my past, and everytime I tried to bring it back, it was denied. This friend of mine said that was God's way of telling me that He is going to erase the memory of the past to the point where I'll think back on it and it wont even hurt or phase me anymore. I wont be able to remember anything. The funny thing about that is that even when I first got here, there were a lot of relationships that were broken and there was a lot of healing that needed to be done. Something I heard is that if you're not healed, you cant help heal. Someone with a broken leg cant help someone else with a broken leg walk. I know that sometimes you wont be fully healed before God asks you to step into something bigger than yourself, but there is also that line where God knows you're ready. Anyway, there have been memories that I was able to forgive myself for. I've started this whole new journey and I really feel that I'm becoming a new person. I heard this before but I know it's truth so much clearer now: The fear, and other negative things...that's not the real you because the real you is found in Christ, and he didnt create you to have fear and the other negative things. You become your truest self the closer you get to God because he's the one that created you. This last week, we were talking about things that we need to break off in our lives and these exercises were meant to help prepare us for outreach and our future lives. Lord willing, these things will really help prepare those of us that God is calling to marriage, for the people that we're meant for.
We focused on breaking off fear and passivity. I knew that I had a lot of fear in my life but I didnt realize I was so passive. I'm going to confess publicly the ones that I struggled with, and if you have any questions about these things or other areas of our lives that we need to break off to be free, please talk to me and I would love to help walk you through it!
FEAR: the fear of punishment=
Fear of failing God, That God will withhold true love and forgiveness, or that he would withhold himself.
Fear of man (insecurity): Thoughts or words of other people, being rejected by those close to me, confrontation. There are others too, but basically the exercise had us go through different areas of fear and confess the sin (living in fear is actually sin because we're not trusting God and we're being controlled by our minds and hearts) of fear, rejecting the lies and rebuking the devil, accepting God's forgiveness and replacing the lies with truth. It's this way for all the different things we break off (going through asking for forgiveness, receiving forgiveness etc).
Passivity: the weird thing about this is that often most of us dont even know that we're being passive and this was something that i thought was more of a problem with men but it was a huge problem for me that I'm finally breaking free of :)
Some things I learned was that passivity is a form of rebellion and is actually a sin (didnt know that before). The first section (Passivity=lack of initiation) had us go through all the areas that we related to so this was what mine were: always waiting for other people to talk to me first instead of starting conversations (though it's not always true it is for the most part). Almost never messaging/calling others first. Taking a while to call/message people back.
Other forms/areas: Letting the feeling of assuming you're unworthy of strong and healthy relationships control you. Resisting leadership roles. Being so familiar with fear and rejection that you just accept it and dont seek God to heal you.
Lies that we believe: If I were really meant to step out, I would have a gut feeling about it.
I will be a failure or rejected if I step out and initiate anything. I really have to admit that I've struggled with these things and that I'm going to be working on getting better with them. I guess I always thought I had reasonable answers for these different things that I did...like justified reasons why I never step out there and a lot of the passivity comes from fear. So now that I've been able to break of these things, I'm trusting God to get me the rest of the way. I just find it so amazing that He knows the very things that I need to be healed from. When I first got here, I was thinking while on the plane over, that I was going to fully focus on all that God had for me while I was here and that I was going to trust God to bring about the healing that I needed in different creative ways. I guess somehow I thought that it was just going to be a Bible course and although it has been, it's been so REAL. Like the Bible has just come alive to me and it's so weird (definitely a God thing) because each and everything that I ever needed healing from has been addressed at some point or another while being here. I have found healing in my relationships with my family. I've been able to forgive myself especially for things I thought I did or deserved that really weren't fully my fault. I was able to let go of the hurt of my past, I'm learning to be confident and I'm going for my dreams. I did several things that I never thought I would've been strong enough for and God still amazes me every day showing me just how strong I really am IN HIM. For those of you who I've distanced myself from or haven't talked to as much as I should've, I just want to apologize because those things were mostly from fear. I'm seeing for the first time that it wasn't fair of me to hold back myself...and essentially hold back love just cause of fear. Real love casts out fear and I knew that before, but this time I'm seeing it in a whole new light. I want to love more and this is one of those ways that God is showing me needs work. I know that was really long but I hope it was really encouraging and that it inspired you somehow!! Thanks again for reading my updates. Blessings! :)
About a week ago, we were doing what we call Plum Line and I think I might've talked about it some, but I really made a lot of break throughs and I was able to cut a soul tie that was haunting me for the longest time. It was so neat cause I've been told here a few times that I would be healed and that the memories of the past would be totally erased. Get this: This friend of mine said she had a vision and that it was of me looking on Google (which I do a lot) and the thing I was searching for kept being denied. The thing I was looking at was my past, and everytime I tried to bring it back, it was denied. This friend of mine said that was God's way of telling me that He is going to erase the memory of the past to the point where I'll think back on it and it wont even hurt or phase me anymore. I wont be able to remember anything. The funny thing about that is that even when I first got here, there were a lot of relationships that were broken and there was a lot of healing that needed to be done. Something I heard is that if you're not healed, you cant help heal. Someone with a broken leg cant help someone else with a broken leg walk. I know that sometimes you wont be fully healed before God asks you to step into something bigger than yourself, but there is also that line where God knows you're ready. Anyway, there have been memories that I was able to forgive myself for. I've started this whole new journey and I really feel that I'm becoming a new person. I heard this before but I know it's truth so much clearer now: The fear, and other negative things...that's not the real you because the real you is found in Christ, and he didnt create you to have fear and the other negative things. You become your truest self the closer you get to God because he's the one that created you. This last week, we were talking about things that we need to break off in our lives and these exercises were meant to help prepare us for outreach and our future lives. Lord willing, these things will really help prepare those of us that God is calling to marriage, for the people that we're meant for.
We focused on breaking off fear and passivity. I knew that I had a lot of fear in my life but I didnt realize I was so passive. I'm going to confess publicly the ones that I struggled with, and if you have any questions about these things or other areas of our lives that we need to break off to be free, please talk to me and I would love to help walk you through it!
FEAR: the fear of punishment=
Fear of failing God, That God will withhold true love and forgiveness, or that he would withhold himself.
Fear of man (insecurity): Thoughts or words of other people, being rejected by those close to me, confrontation. There are others too, but basically the exercise had us go through different areas of fear and confess the sin (living in fear is actually sin because we're not trusting God and we're being controlled by our minds and hearts) of fear, rejecting the lies and rebuking the devil, accepting God's forgiveness and replacing the lies with truth. It's this way for all the different things we break off (going through asking for forgiveness, receiving forgiveness etc).
Passivity: the weird thing about this is that often most of us dont even know that we're being passive and this was something that i thought was more of a problem with men but it was a huge problem for me that I'm finally breaking free of :)
Some things I learned was that passivity is a form of rebellion and is actually a sin (didnt know that before). The first section (Passivity=lack of initiation) had us go through all the areas that we related to so this was what mine were: always waiting for other people to talk to me first instead of starting conversations (though it's not always true it is for the most part). Almost never messaging/calling others first. Taking a while to call/message people back.
Other forms/areas: Letting the feeling of assuming you're unworthy of strong and healthy relationships control you. Resisting leadership roles. Being so familiar with fear and rejection that you just accept it and dont seek God to heal you.
Lies that we believe: If I were really meant to step out, I would have a gut feeling about it.
I will be a failure or rejected if I step out and initiate anything. I really have to admit that I've struggled with these things and that I'm going to be working on getting better with them. I guess I always thought I had reasonable answers for these different things that I did...like justified reasons why I never step out there and a lot of the passivity comes from fear. So now that I've been able to break of these things, I'm trusting God to get me the rest of the way. I just find it so amazing that He knows the very things that I need to be healed from. When I first got here, I was thinking while on the plane over, that I was going to fully focus on all that God had for me while I was here and that I was going to trust God to bring about the healing that I needed in different creative ways. I guess somehow I thought that it was just going to be a Bible course and although it has been, it's been so REAL. Like the Bible has just come alive to me and it's so weird (definitely a God thing) because each and everything that I ever needed healing from has been addressed at some point or another while being here. I have found healing in my relationships with my family. I've been able to forgive myself especially for things I thought I did or deserved that really weren't fully my fault. I was able to let go of the hurt of my past, I'm learning to be confident and I'm going for my dreams. I did several things that I never thought I would've been strong enough for and God still amazes me every day showing me just how strong I really am IN HIM. For those of you who I've distanced myself from or haven't talked to as much as I should've, I just want to apologize because those things were mostly from fear. I'm seeing for the first time that it wasn't fair of me to hold back myself...and essentially hold back love just cause of fear. Real love casts out fear and I knew that before, but this time I'm seeing it in a whole new light. I want to love more and this is one of those ways that God is showing me needs work. I know that was really long but I hope it was really encouraging and that it inspired you somehow!! Thanks again for reading my updates. Blessings! :)
Monday, June 3, 2013
Now I know the truth and the walls are coming down
Hi my friends!! I probably say this a lot, but I'm going to try to keep this short and attempt to expand on it a different time. I just wanted to let you all know what's been going on for the last week or so! I dont remember the last of what I wrote but we knew that there were for sure about 2 students and 3 staff that weren't going to be able to make it to outreach. Now there is a total of about 6 people (both staff and students) that aren't going to be able to make it, yet none of us is living in despair because we know that God has wonderful things planned for those people and for the rest of us as a group as well! It definitely has made things really difficult because my amazing teacher has had to change the things that we've been doing for our production. I was just put in Tahitian as an understudy so I'm hoping and praying that I can learn the choreography really fast!! Things have been really crazy cause I get up at 5am and then I dont get done till about 7pm so it means that I dont really have much time to do anything online and then I end up staying up later than I should and am super tired the next day. I seriously feel like I'm never able to find time to be alone and its been really difficult the last week or so. I've also just not been feeling peace about going on outreach and yet I dont know whether that's God trying to tell me something or just a spiritual attack. I dont want to just go through the motions and not even try to go, but its hard to feel motivated when I'm physically exhausted and emotionally drained. There has been so much spiritual warfare this last week (well, since we got here but especially lately) and it's interesting to see how personal each attack is. For some of us, it's visa issues. Others of us it's sickness, and for others of us it's emotional stuff. BUT!! In Jesus we're strong and we WILL fight this as long as we have breath and God is going to help us be victorious in HIM. Please, please keep us in your prayers!! This is almost week 9 (tomorrow is the beginning of week 9) and I've already packed the things that are going to be sent home and the things that are going to be put in storage. Even though things have been really hard, I'm really excited to see how God is going to work in this. I think my first taste of God working out the seemingly impossible in an obvious way was back when I was trying to come here and my flight was cancelled. God showed me that I wasn't alone by bringing 2 YWAMers in my path, God provided another flight and a hotel to stay in for the night...a warm shower, amazing food. God knew what I needed and the crazy thing is that I would've been just as content with sleeping on the airport floor and eating nothing, but God did more than I expected. So that shows me that if he worked in that and helped me to remember that he was going to make a way for everything, that he was going to work out anything and everything else that would take place in the future. This last week was what we call Plum Line and I really learned so much about my relationship with God and about how to get healing and break off things from generations. I learned about how to get rid of a soultie that I had in my life for several years and it was SO freeing. It's funny cause I had someone tell me they had a vision that I was on Google trying to find an old memory and that every time I tried to go to it, it said "site unavailable." That was God's way of saying that those memories are going to be wiped clean and its going to be as if they had never happened. I was prophesied over that I'm going to be completely healed soon...so beautiful. Anyway, I will try to update more soon but thanks for the support and prayers!! Please let me know if you want to help donate for my outreach or if you would like to maybe think about visiting me for one of my performances!! Love and blessings!
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