Your True Self

Today was the last day of class I guess, which I didnt realize till after...but MY WORD. What a crazy amazing week it's been! I just cant get over the fact that when I left to come here 3 weeks ago (from tomorrow) I was hoping and praying that God would help me work on my confidence and trust issues. I also (most importantly) wanted to work on my relationship with God. The weird thing about it is that about this time last year when I was still thinking about whether or not I was even going to go (so in other words, I didnt even know for sure yet) I had decided that for the time from January to about April I wanted to just work on working on the negative effects of past things in my life. And then from about April to September/early October I was going to focus on my relationship with God and just becoming a real woman. My goal was that I wanted to really act out all the things that I've wanted to be and know that I am deep down underneath everything. I wanted to prepare myself for a potential relationship with whoever God would have for me at the end of that time. I'm not going to say that I know for sure how this is all going to turn out, but just in the short weeks that I've been here (3 down, 9 left of school before outreach), I really feel that God has been bringing about those exact things. I knew before coming that attending this school would be a great opportunity to become more a woman and come closer to God all the while being able to go for my dreams and make a difference in the world by God using my passions for him. Anyway, I've been saying this a lot but I just cant get over the fact that pretty much all those things that I wanted to work on, are taking place. The weird thing about it is that I decided that as far as the confidence and trust issues, I was going to just not really focus on those as actively because I wanted to focus more on just deepening my relationship with God and focusing on all that he would have for me here. It was one of those things that I was just going to trust God that if I was suppose to work on those other things, that he would bring that about. Anyway in just the 3 weeks of being here, God has brought up issues that I didnt even know were there. He has been pushing me to be braver because I had to face my fears, and I've been gaining confidence and learning to trust more. I've heard it said (and I think I believe this) that when you are genuinely wanting to follow after God, he is going to just provide the things that he knows you need and honestly there have been times that I was worried about how I was going to get different things whether it was physical or emotional, but God always provided. Anyway, I just think its so cool how the things that I knew I needed to work with, God is just bringing opportunities. It really hasn't been easy and it makes me scared to think that if there are all these things happening now, what more is there going to be later but I know that this is the best. The teachers that were leading this class were saying that we wont be able to have the healthy marriages and families we need without being healed first. Today we were talking about how to tell who our true self that God created us to be is. I'm definitely going to try to write more this weekend since I have a full day tomorrow but I'm hoping for the best. Tomorrow is "Culture night" for my class so we're going to have cultural foods and games so I'm really anticipating that. Anyway, I hope that my blogs encourage you all and that you stay blessed!

A love that never ends

It's the middle of week 3 and as you may have seen from my last blog, life has been really crazy and yet good for me. I've had to think of memories that weren't pleasant but I think that in the process I'm really becoming more of a woman. I dont know if I mentioned this, but God did something really cool yesterday! Well everyday really, but yesterday specifically...3 of my friends from my class and I decided to get together and do an audition to do worship for the prayer room. I dont know what I was expecting but I never expected for them to actually like me-I knew my friends would get in cause they have musical history and are so amazing. Yet, the people auditioning us loved us so much that they actually recorded the song that my friends and I wrote, and then they told us "We rarely ever do this, but we want you guys to have your own band." We're still working out the details of which times will work for us to get to do worship but I am so excited. Anyway so Monday, in class we were working on the Mother wound, and then yesterday was The Father Wound and Confession. Today was wounds of the past and forgiveness. I have pretty much cried my eyes out each time which is rare for me.I'm used to just a couple tears once every couple weeks but this has been full on flood of tears deep heart wrenching pain. I'm slowly becoming free. Again, I dont want to repeat too much of what I said in the last blog on my general page that I do through school, so if you want to know more go check it out! I will say though, when I first was coming here I was like "it would be nice if I could learn to trust someone I love, learn to be confident, and grow in my walk with God." I dont even know if it's something I prayed about, but it's something that like it or not God is doing. Part of me is scared of the person I'm going to go home doing. I've heard that this is basically Christian boot camp and that you can either go home messed up or better than you ever were. We dont have to go on forever to try to guess which option I want to go with. :P I'm just really nervous about it cause I've only been here 3 weeks and already I'm a different person. I came here a girl, I think I believe in my heart that I'm going to go home a woman. I can see how God has been using my room mates, the experiences, and the classes to really help prepare me for a marriage that I hope to have someday with the man God has. I want to be the best wife I can be and I've been pushed to face all my fears and unpleasant hurts that I thought I was over, but it has been the best for me. Please keep me in your prayers!! I love you all and hope you are encouraged by my stories that I share every night :)

Rise

Most of you have already seen my blogs about the things that I've been learning the last couple weeks. This definitely is going to be like Christian boot camp for sure. I'm not here to have fun and I realize that but its been such a good class and I'm trying to just have such an open mind to everything and anything that God wants to show me.
This week we're talking about the Pure Heart and today we were working on what the speakers call The Mother wound. It was basically about how each of us has a mother wound even if we dont realize it and that we need to heal of those things before we can really enter into a relationship that God has for us in marriage. At first I was thinking that it didnt really apply because my mom is so loving and just everything I need. But they started to say that its not necessarily about something bad, it can just be something that in your childhood mind, hurt you. So I went way back to something that happened when I was little and got healing- I really believe. :) After that was really long cause we had hiphop class and then went out for FroYo and then dinner, singing class, and then was working on the song that my friends and I wrote. We're going to try to audition tomorrow so I just hope that goes well. In my other blog I think I was talking about how there are things that I was hoping God would do in my life just in general but also especially here. Anyway, I wasn't really expecting for God to actually start working on those things and now since being here I just feel the ugly in my heart melting away. I'm learning to be confident and to open up and trust again. I've actually been singing in front of people which is something I never thought I would do. Something I wanted to share that I think I forgot to say in the other blog, is that we've been learning that a lack of trust means that there is an area in our lives that needs forgiveness towards someone cause lack of trust is the action of putting walls up and then doing so because someone hurt you in the past. It's good to be cautious of some people but not to the point where you never move out in your life. Anyway it was a good day for the most part. I think a little bit of me wants the week to be over so I can get through the heaviness of this week but it will be good. I had a weird thing happen today that I've never had--my teacher cried for me today when I lost it in our class. Like it wasn't just her comforting me, it was like her heart was broken because mine was. It was so restoring if that's a word. I'm really still struggling not to worry about things that are going on with my family at home and then also not to worry about the area of my heart but I know that God is going to take care of all these things and if nothing else proves it, just the fact that he has always been providing shows that it will work out one way or another.

Rise up on wings like eagles

There have been so many things that have taken place this last week! I started my morning work duties which made the days long because we would have to get up at 5am and then BE at our work location by 6am...and the only catch with that was that my job is on the other side of campus so it's a good 5-10 minute walk. The people I'm working with and for are really nice so the mornings are always a highlight to the day but definitely keeps us busy. Usually right after work, we go to worship, and then class till noon, then lunch, then skill classes, dance, and then dinner, meetings and finally get to go home after that. I'm thankful that the days are different though because on Monday mornings we have worship at the Ohana court, Tuesday I believe is the Prayer room and this week we were praying for injustice issues which Tuesday was about Human Trafficing, and then Wednesday was when we had Bible reading with our little groups and since these particular bibles we have are in script form, we all read different parts and it makes it come so much more alive so that was really cool. Thursday I think was the day that we were in the Prayer room again and we were praying for orphans and that whole situation going on in Panama. It's really neat to see how God uses things like making movies, photos, dance and such to really make a difference in ways that you wouldn't be able to in any other way. Friday was just worship in my class. I learned some ballet this week so that was a challenge and we also started hula so that was another thing that was a challenge. It's weird because all of these things happened in this week but we were so busy that it seems like it's been longer then 5 days. There were hip hop auditions this week too which I didnt get in to the dances but it was more something where I was trying to learn how to dance. It's weird and hard in some ways cause I never had classes before and I guess in some ways I was thinking that I knew enough basics and I've been finding this last week that my style is more jazz and such than I thought. The classes themselves have been really good and brought up different things that I didnt realize were even issues. I think a few things that I struggle with is not distancing myself when something is making me feel nervous or upset. Like if I feel that people are getting to close to me, I just distance myself and I know that I've been doing that a little this week. It's like I enjoy being included in the different things, but whenever I'm not, I really dont mind because I need time for myself. Anyway, I would say that there were definitely a lot of things that stuck out at me this week and now I feel like I know for sure that God wants me to be working more with my thoughts, and truly learning to let people love me since that's something that I've struggled with. I always thought I accept it really well but the last couple days have shown me that I accept it to a point. I think the thing that I'm not used to here is the total acceptance. I dont feel judged for the most part (so far haha) and people actually want to be around me which I'm not used to. Something my teacher told me that I've really struggled with is that I need to learn not to compare myself with others and I need to learn not to be so insecure. It wasn't really said directly at me but I know it was something said to the class as a whole. I can do a lot better than I give myself credit for and I'm seeing that often times we limit ourselves more than the actual reality would. I kind of had a weird dream last night that I dont really remember what the exact topic was or what all was happening, but I know that it had to do with how I was fearing something and then it turned out not to be so bad. I remember someone was scolding me and saying that deep down I had known all along that things were going to be ok and that I had been fearing for nothing. I dont know if that really has a meaning or not but I would like to think it does. Anyway, I could get so carried away but I'm going to try to write more on the actual lessons I've been learning this week in my more general blog which relates a lot more to the things of my school. I hope you all are blessed in reading my posts and that you have a great night! I love you all!

With a Heavy Heart

I'm sure most (probably all) of you have heard of the Boston shooting that happened yesterday (it's still Tuesday over here). I can't express the sorrow that I felt in my stomach when I heard the news...especially since it reminded me of the shooting that my mom and I experienced a few months back. Usually when I hear about things like this, it scares me a little and then I think "oh that's really sad, but at least it wasn't us" and you NEVER think something like that would happen to you because we all get this mentality that we're invincible. Anyway, after the shooting, it made me see things differently so I cant imagine the terror and shock for all the survivors and as many people were hurt, I'm thankful that it was only 3 that passed away because I know that the bombs were intended to kill more. Just an hour before we found out about the bomb, my class found out that one of our fellow students doesnt have all she needs with her visa (she is from out of the country) so she has to go back home and then hopefully is going to be able to return. I would say that I had an amazing Saturday but then things really turned sour on Sunday. There are so many things that I dont understand and my heart feels down right now if I'm completely honest. I think part of it too, is that in class we've been learning things that are really challenging the way we think and act. There's been issues that have been brought to the table that I thought were dealt with and it doesnt look like there's going to be an easy way out. I guess though, I should be looking for the way THROUGH this instead of OUT of it. We literally have had no free time this week-I personally wake up at 5am (8am for Washington people) and then I work for the guest center (mini hotel) here, till about 8 am. We have a quick breakfast and then its the first part of my classes which end at noon, where we immediately have to have lunch since the cafeteria is only open for about an hour. Then right after that is skill training (music, acting, singing etc), then dance classes, then dinner, then meetings, and then I finally get home and get to skype people after 8pm. One thing I've been learning this week (and I want to keep it short since this is my personal blog and I need to write on the general one as well) is that if you dont really understand God's love for you, it's going to come out in the way you see yourself and the way you treat others. Really an eye opener for me. Please be praying..this week has been difficult, thanks so much!

So Undeserving, and yet He loves me...

Hi my friends!! I'm going to attempt to have 2 blogs going...one is going to be more general (the newest one that I set up which is KayHeartbridgejourney, and then this one which is going to be a little more personal. I cant believe all the things that have been happening lately. They have been really difficult and yet at the same time I have been opening my eyes more to the fact that God is blessing me way more than I deserve. My day yesterday was really crazy..finally got my shots results and they came out negative which I'm so thankful for! And then straight after that spent the afternoon shopping trying to find dresses for when I go to Israel and South Africa,,,which I needed more dresses anyway ha. :P I'm just so blessed though because this shopping trip was one that I didnt think I was going to be able to do since it was more of something that I wanted/needed and could do with out if I had to. Well...I was blessed that my youngest sister (she's 12 now so crazy how time flies!) wanted to come with me so thankfully I wasn't by myself. :P And yet it was kind of hectic because I kept getting lost and then there was one store where I found absolutely nothing so that was a little frustrating and a waste of time...until I realized that I could have the chance to learn patience in it. The store that I found the most at was a lot of fun until I got yelled at by one of the workers there over a small misunderstanding. That almost ruined my afternoon until I realized that the devil was maybe using that to bring me down and get me off focus for what I'm about to do. I also felt a little frustrated because later in the day I found out that the lady I had asked about my funds thinks that I haven't gotten anything more in and didnt understand my question I guess. So now I dont really know if all my tuition is paid for or not. Anyway...the blessing though in my shopping trip I think came at the end. I was a little discouraged because I  went to a thrift shop trying to sell some clothes to help start getting money for my flight home and they didnt want any of what I had. But then there was this lady that came up to me with a small bag of clothes and wanted to know if I was interested in taking it. She told me that the clothes were in my size and then I took them home to find that they were a couple extra items I wanted but couldnt afford! There were other hard moments and blessings all mixed together but I just feel so overwhelmed with the love and support that I've been getting. I've been trying to get everything together and I've been just so...cant even find a word for it but having a hard time believing this is really happening. I have no idea what my new life is going to be like and I know that there are some things that I have to wait for. There is a really important relationship in my life that I'm interested in seeing how everything goes with that and yet I'm at a place where I have to let the fears go. I decided the moment I get on that plane, the past is going to be behind me. Please be looking for my posts...I'll try to do monthly updates if possible, I will attempt my other blog (probably will be updating on there more often in regards to school) and there will definitely be a lot of posts on Facebook so keep posted with me!! Love and blessings, Kallayah