Part 2 of my cuz's big day :)

PART 2 Right now I’m facing a deadline for school to get a certain amount of funds in by this weekend otherwise I pretty much have no chance of being able to go. This is a huge deal to me because for most of my life and especially after high school, I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. With the thoughts of joining the air force, doing criminal justice, and being a wedding planner among many other things…I realized that I wanted to do something to make a difference in people’s lives and I wanted to do it through missions, using something that I loved (anything to do with art). I just didn’t think it was possible till I found this school. Now I have the chance to live dreams that I was too scared to even verbalize and I’m so scared. I’ve never wanted anything so much…even the other dreams that I either never got to live or were just short term, they just didn’t seem like the real thing. They seemed like little preparations for my real destiny. NOW I feel like I know what that thing is, and yet I’m so close but not close enough. I’m not going to lie, part of me doesn’t even want to try. There have been countless things that I’ve tried for that worked for a while and then I just fell on my face with. Or there were other things that just never seemed to matter how hard I tried, they wouldn’t work out. I think part of me is saying not to take the risk because if it’s not meant to be then its not worth it. I don’t want to be vulnerable and I don’t want to dream of something that I’m not meant to live…it’s a waste of time. But not at least trying, that’s a little more dangerous I would say because then you never know. At least if you give it your all, you know that you did what you could and gave the impossible to God. Then if it’s not meant to be, you know that you gave your all and you don’t regret. You know that God has something bigger for you or better suited for you. I try to remember that even now but its so hard because this is a HUGE dream. It’s so big that it combines all the other dreams I’ve had that I’ve been keeping quiet about. If this dream were to come true, I would get to help people, people would come to know God in a deep and personal way. I would get to do missions for a career basically, I would get to learn to dance better and not only that but I would get to be on tour. As if that weren’t good enough, I would get to travel to at least one or two counties…one possibly being a country that I used to live in. Even further is that I wouldn’t only get to VISIT a place that I’ve always dreamed of going to, but I would get to LIVE there for a little bit. Plus, put in the factor that I would be coming closer to the Lover of my soul, making new friends, finally going to my dream university…and you have a myriad of my dreams. That’s not even all the dreams I have haha but it’s a good few for sure. I’ve said it out loud to myself, I’ve prayed about it, and I’ve told my close friends about it and now I’m telling the public. This is taking great faith and great courage because I know there’s a big chance that I’m going to fall on my face yet again. I really don’t know what I would do with the rest of the year since I was hoping and praying that most of it would be going to this school. It really wouldn’t make sense to me and I would feel confused since I feel like it’s been God leading me all along. But I do know that if not now, maybe another time. If not this, maybe something else that would be better fitted for me. And even though that seems hard to believe since I want to think that THIS is the best fit, it WILL happen and God WILL do something to use my life for His glory somehow. Anyway, there are a lot of things in my life that are requiring a lot of faith and trust. I’m going to try to be strong and have the best attitude no matter what happens with my dreams. I think the scariest thing for me is that I feel like I’m getting so close…not just with this dream but with a few others, ones that I’m sorry to say are private at this time and are only between me, God, and my best friend. I want to share though, that in the last couple of weeks, God has really been helping me to live more for Him. I’ve been coming so much closer to Him and really been growing a lot. I feel on the brink of something amazingly big, that I wont be able to understand it at the time. I know I certainly don’t understand much of anything even now. But I know that you cant wait for the destination to start really living, really trusting, really being and giving your best. If you wait for that, you wont be ready to handle that life that God wants to give you. You wont be able to serve him there if you’re not willing and able to serve him now right where you are. Don’t wait till you feel like you have it all together before you start being the person you want to be. If you do that, you’ll look back and realize that you didn’t really live. No one wants to get to the end of their lives and say “well I made it through” or “I was waiting for things to come together first…” There’s a time to be patient and trust God, and you need to do that all along the journey. But don’t hold back just because you think you shouldn’t go for a goal out of fear, or shouldn’t be who you want to be etc. The destination is only beautiful and meaningful when you’ve gone on the journey to get there. you wont be strong enough for the destination if God just picked you up and took you there. Anyway, just something I’ve been thinking about that I wanted to encourage y’all with. God bless

My cuz big day part 1

It’s a week away before the BIG DAY!! I’m so excited for my cousin because I know that she’s had a really hard time in past relationships and I remember how there were different times when she wasn’t even sure if there would be anyone out there who would really love her the way she needed and deeply desired to be loved. Now she has found him and I’m happy to say that he definitely has my approval! For those of you who don’t know, I’m really critical when I meet new people that my friends or family are dating and I’ve been told that I’m a really good judge of character. I can usually read a person within the first week and sometimes even the first hour of meeting them. I confess that there have been times where close friends or family would introduce me to someone they were dating and although the person was nice and everything, just didn’t sit right with me and then weirdly enough, later the relationship would end in a nasty way. It was the same with my cousin where the past people that she would introduce just didn’t sit right with me and although I wanted to be supportive and couldn’t figure out my reservations, I just didn’t like these people. Until the day she introduced me to this one special man. Right before I first saw him I was thinking, ok just try to be open and polite. I met him and he seemed really quiet and shy but something told me there was a lot more to him than meets the eye so I tried to get to know him and before the end of the night I was thinking “he’s a keeper.” It was a little funny because about 2 weeks later I was back in town for a family reunion and I heard that my cousin was inviting this new boyfriend of hers to come. I was thinking “yikes he’s going to get eaten alive, I better be there to make sure he’s protected.” I know that my family means well and we like to look out for each other but we all tend to eye anyone new up and down and give them a hard time. Funny thing though, is that the only people that got scared away were the ones that weren’t right anyway ha. But still I didn’t want a good guy to get scared away…so the day of the reunion I was kind of keeping an eye out and you know what? He didn’t need any help…he held his own and he not only was able to tolerate the family, he actually loved them and fit in with them which showed me a lot about his character. By the time I was leaving, he was laughing and playing a game with a group of cousins and his girlfriend (my cousin) was no where to be seen. I knew that day, that it was just a matter of time. About two months later, he was telling me that he was hoping to propose to her and I honestly was so excited that it might as well have been me that it was all happening to. I just couldn’t contain myself and I even cried upon thinking about it because here was a woman that meant the world to me…who thought that maybe her chance of finding love again was gone. All the brokenness and mistakes just seemed to be too much but I tried to encourage her that the right man would come along and see those things that had happened and the mistakes she made, and embrace her with open arms and protect her forever. I just didn’t know it was going to happen so soon for her. She really deserves this, and she really couldn’t have found a better man if she tried. He really is better than anything I could’ve ever dreamed up for her and the best part is that he knows ALL of her and is crazy about her. You couldn’t find a better definition of love if you tried. The thing I love about this…is that her and my stories are very similar. Her story gives me hope and it shows me that God is so much more amazingly loving than we ever give him credit for. This next week is going to be a long one, and not just for her. I know that this is the day that she’s waited for pretty much her whole life, and I’m truly excited. I know that this is a big week for me too though. On the one hand, I want it to go by really fast because I just want to get to her wedding day. On the other hand, I know that it means that those last days she gets to cherish being single…will be over. I also know that it means that for better or for worse (pun not intended) it means that there are going to be things that I have to face in my own life….

A constant walk of faith

Beginning of week 2 (a couple weeks ago now) ! God has really been helping me lately with learning a lot of lessons that I’ve been needing to learn for a while. So thankful how God always gives us the things that we need WHEN we need them. The first thing I want to share is one of my devotionals from yesterday: About how we’re never going to be alone or abandoned as long as God is in our lives. This really struck home with me cause I know what it feels like to be left and especially know what it feels like to be betrayed by someone you thought you were close to. The devotional was talking about the importance of connection and that when a connection is lost we feel a deep void and so we need to make sure that we’re not holding on too tight to close friends and family for fear of them leaving us, and also we need to let go of the fear that’s keeping us from being close to people if we tend to be more distant. The other devo from today was talking about the importance of doing our parts and moving outside our fears and stepping out into the unknown and trusting God to use our mistakes and failures for the best. It was really close to the other devotional and was definitely something that I needed to hear. I think I’m just learning more that God really does love me and that I’m not a throw away in his eyes even with all the times and ways that I’ve messed things up. I’m really trying even in just the last week to open up to people more and not live in fear. Its super scary cause I feel like there are a lot of risks that I’m making and going to have to make but things are going ok so far and really trusting God to help it stay that way. Here is something encouraging for any of you who are following God and having hard times: Hear me out, but having hard times is a good sign that we’re on the right track to following God because the devil wouldn’t bother us if we weren’t even a threat to him. Something else to remember is that the devil really doesn’t care WHEN he destroys you as long as it happens before the end of your life and he’s going to keep trying till you go to be with God. I personally think that the devil tries harder the more potential he sees in a situation for you to really make a difference for God’s kingdom. I share those things with you because often there are Christ followers who get all excited when nothing seems to go wrong for them for months and they never have struggles…and they say how blessed they are. I’m not saying that it’s a bad thing to have good days and weeks. I’m just saying that if you never have struggles in your life, that’s when you should be worried because it means that you’re not a threat to the devil anymore. I shared the part about the devil always trying to bring you down…because we have to remember that just cause we make it through one tough thing, doesn’t mean that the devil is just going to give up. We have to stay strong in our faith and we have to keep God as the core of our lives cause if and when we don’t, that’s when the devil gets the upper hand in our lives and we really have a choice of whether or not we let him have that. The other thing is that the devil likes to disguise himself so there will be times when he might be dragging you down and you might not know it. He’s going to convince you that whatever you’re going through or whatever negative things you’re thinking really aren’t that bad and if you dwell on those things, he will be able to change the way you think and eventually change the way you act as well because our thoughts turn into actions. This next week is going to be a crazy one since I’m starting to run out of time before I have to have everything I need for school so just praying that everything will come in and that if I’m not meant to do this, that God will lead me elsewhere or if I’m suppose to wait that God would give me patience and show me what I’m supposed to be doing now. I hope you were all encouraged and that you stay close to God this coming week! Love you all:)

Preparing My Heart For His

Hi my friends! I just wanted to fill you all in on what’s been going on the last however long its been since I last wrote ha. Basically, 2 weekends ago (the 19^th) I went to a mission conference at my church but I don’t remember if I wrote about that so I’m just gonna wait till next time and if I forgot to write about it in one of my previous updates, I’ll fill you all in. It was really wonderful and I learned a lot. I learned that we really need to be following God more and that we shouldn’t be living for ourselves. This past week has been super busy and kinda monumental in that I was finally able to finish my application for the school I wanted to apply for, and 3 days later got accepted!! So thankful and excited beyond my wildest dreams, this is one of the biggest so if this comes together I will be so happy. I do know though, that if this is really where God wants me that he’s going to provide even though I have over $11,000 to raise and I have no idea where the money is going to come from. Plus I have only a month to raise it all ha. I wanted to share something else with you guys, something a little more personal. The week after Christmas, I started working through a book written by one of my favorite authors. I got the book at the library so I was trying to finish writing down the ideas and such..but its basically a book that helps us women prepare for marriage. Funny story is that I’ve seen this book at the library before but never really picked it up. I’ve heard so many things on how to prepare for marriage that I thought I didn’t need it cause I thought everything that would be in there would be the same as what I heard already. But I just felt like I was suppose to read it so I was like “well it cant hurt.” Believe me when I say, this book has really change my life a lot. There are 12 chapters, and each one is about a different thing to pray for in your potential future husband. I got the idea that since there are about 12 chapters, that I want to make it a goal that for the rest of the year I’m going to pray through the different characteristics. I scheduled on my calendar which week I do what, and for now I’m starting with one characteristic a week and I’m already on week 5. It’s weird cause ever since I was a little girl, my mom taught me that I should pray for my future husband, but this book has helped me to see that praying for more specific things in his life will really help God work more in his life to really knit him and I together more even if we don’t see it. Week 1, I started the week before new years, and it was about praying for your future husband’s heart. It was talking about how important it is that you pray that your future husband will come closer to God and that anything that is keeping him from doing that needs to be dealt with so we can have a healthier marriage and it was talking about how you need to pray that your future husband will have a pure heart and that he cant be hiding things from God otherwise it will make your relationship harder…whether you’re married already or if he’s just a friend at the time. It was also saying that just like it’s important to pray for that for your future husband, you need to make sure that there are things in your life that you’re giving to God too and that you need to really trust him by obeying him more. I learned that even if you’re just friends with the guy God has for you, you need to make things right in your relationship if you’re not completely honoring God with your lives because it will make you guys stronger if you do. The 2^nd week was praying for Him to be a God lover and that means that he has to learn how to trust people so he can open up to you, and trust God more also. I learned a lot from that chapter too.:) 3^rd week was praying for patience, that you and your future husband will need to be pure in your relationship and so if you’re not, you need to try to have standards together and be patient for the day you get married to each other. The 4^th week is about learning to understand and praying that your future husband will be a man that seeks God when he has problems or anything in life. It talks about how important it is that you work on learning how to understand and not assume the worst in people or situations, and that’s something I’ve been working on cause I really struggle with letting people be close to me and sometimes I just push them away by ignoring them because I sometimes assume the worst and I don’t really mean to…its just that I’m scared because sometimes I don’t feel good enough. So anyway, those are the things that I’ve been learning lately and its weird because I’m really seeing in my life how God has been answering these prayers and I’m trusting that God is doing this in my future husband’s life too. Its kinda weird cause some of these things I might not find out about until after I get married, but its really a wonderful thing to let God prepare my heart for that and just trust on his time for things.