PART 2 Right now I’m facing a deadline for school to get a
certain amount of funds in by this weekend otherwise I pretty much have no
chance of being able to go. This is a huge deal to me because for most of my
life and especially after high school, I was trying to figure out what I wanted
to do with my life. With the thoughts of joining the air force, doing criminal
justice, and being a wedding planner among many other things…I realized that I
wanted to do something to make a difference in people’s lives and I wanted to
do it through missions, using something that I loved (anything to do with art).
I just didn’t think it was possible till I found this school. Now I have the
chance to live dreams that I was too scared to even verbalize and I’m so
scared. I’ve never wanted anything so much…even the other dreams that I either
never got to live or were just short term, they just didn’t seem like the real
thing. They seemed like little preparations for my real destiny. NOW I feel
like I know what that thing is, and yet I’m so close but not close enough. I’m
not going to lie, part of me doesn’t even want to try. There have been
countless things that I’ve tried for that worked for a while and then I just
fell on my face with. Or there were other things that just never seemed to
matter how hard I tried, they wouldn’t work out. I think part of me is saying
not to take the risk because if it’s not meant to be then its not worth it. I
don’t want to be vulnerable and I don’t want to dream of something that I’m not
meant to live…it’s a waste of time. But not at least trying, that’s a little
more dangerous I would say because then you never know. At least if you give it
your all, you know that you did what you could and gave the impossible to God.
Then if it’s not meant to be, you know that you gave your all and you don’t
regret. You know that God has something bigger for you or better suited for
you. I try to remember that even now but its so hard because this is a HUGE
dream. It’s so big that it combines all the other dreams I’ve had that I’ve
been keeping quiet about. If this dream were to come true, I would get to help
people, people would come to know God in a deep and personal way. I would get
to do missions for a career basically, I would get to learn to dance better and
not only that but I would get to be on tour. As if that weren’t good enough, I
would get to travel to at least one or two counties…one possibly being a
country that I used to live in. Even further is that I wouldn’t only get to
VISIT a place that I’ve always dreamed of going to, but I would get to LIVE
there for a little bit. Plus, put in the factor that I would be coming closer
to the Lover of my soul, making new friends, finally going to my dream
university…and you have a myriad of my dreams. That’s not even all the dreams I
have haha but it’s a good few for sure. I’ve said it out loud to myself, I’ve
prayed about it, and I’ve told my close friends about it and now I’m telling
the public. This is taking great faith and great courage because I know there’s
a big chance that I’m going to fall on my face yet again. I really don’t know
what I would do with the rest of the year since I was hoping and praying that
most of it would be going to this school. It really wouldn’t make sense to me
and I would feel confused since I feel like it’s been God leading me all along.
But I do know that if not now, maybe another time. If not this, maybe something
else that would be better fitted for me. And even though that seems hard to
believe since I want to think that THIS is the best fit, it WILL happen and God
WILL do something to use my life for His glory somehow. Anyway, there are a lot
of things in my life that are requiring a lot of faith and trust. I’m going to
try to be strong and have the best attitude no matter what happens with my
dreams. I think the scariest thing for me is that I feel like I’m getting so
close…not just with this dream but with a few others, ones that I’m sorry to
say are private at this time and are only between me, God, and my best friend.
I want to share though, that in the last couple of weeks, God has really been
helping me to live more for Him. I’ve been coming so much closer to Him and
really been growing a lot. I feel on the brink of something amazingly big, that
I wont be able to understand it at the time. I know I certainly don’t
understand much of anything even now. But I know that you cant wait for the
destination to start really living, really trusting, really being and giving
your best. If you wait for that, you wont be ready to handle that life that God
wants to give you. You wont be able to serve him there if you’re not willing
and able to serve him now right where you are. Don’t wait till you feel like
you have it all together before you start being the person you want to be. If
you do that, you’ll look back and realize that you didn’t really live. No one
wants to get to the end of their lives and say “well I made it through” or “I
was waiting for things to come together first…” There’s a time to be patient
and trust God, and you need to do that all along the journey. But don’t hold
back just because you think you shouldn’t go for a goal out of fear, or
shouldn’t be who you want to be etc. The destination is only beautiful and
meaningful when you’ve gone on the journey to get there. you wont be strong
enough for the destination if God just picked you up and took you there.
Anyway, just something I’ve been thinking about that I wanted to encourage
y’all with. God bless
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