Goodbye 2011!!

This year has taught me so much..I don't even know if I could begin to remember everything. January was a scary month for me cause that's when we almost lost our house, my mom was in an accident the day before new year's eve, and my dad's car broke down the first of january..then our basement flooded..I started to lose my best friend at the time..and things were just crazy. I don't really remember much from Feb other than some drama going on but March was good cause I finally decided to take the step of baptism and came closer to my brother..april I pierced my own ears haha and basically just easter and that's around the time when I told the guy that I like what he meant to me..right before he left for 6 months. and then may was the 2 weddings that I did, my dad's birthday and I forget what else. June was when my old school closed down and I finally ended something that I've needed to for a long time..and I'm sure other things happened..July I got to see my aunt, thought I had another best friend, birthdays, camp, creation, and the like. August I went to Seattle a lot and then met someone that i thought would be good for me but then it turned out not to work. Sept was when the guy I like came back home and I forget what else..October was a hard month cause both my brothers attempted suicide and that was around the time when I found out that my cousin, mentor, and youth pastor are all leaving in jan. November was fun cause my aunt came for thanksgiving and I got to go to a concert with my old youth group and see my youth pastor. Dec was a fun month too though really hard cause I had to say goodbye to my cousin and saw my youth pastor and mentor one last time..then had the best Christmas ever with my Grandma from Seattle and Uncle from Cali..I am so so blessed. I also got a medical issue that I've had 3 years ago almost exact to the week//and drama issues that I really shouldn't have gotten myself into. I would say that I learned a lot from it cause I'm never going to do that again. It was a weird year cause I finally found my own church..my parent's pastor and his wife left, and a lot of people that are close to me are leaving so next year looks scary. It was also the year that I think I've lost the most friends since Sr year of high school and both the girls that I thought were my best friends really turned out not to be so that was definitely disappointing, but God brought someone else into my life that I would definitely say is my best friend and I feel so blessed to have her in my life!!
As for the end of the year... I was invited to a party with my college group but I'm still feeling ill and on my meds so its going to be interesting. People are being interesting so tonight has been kind of emotional. I finally turned on my phone and found out that the plans I wanted to work out for tomorrow basically fell through so I've been pretty sad about it since tomorrow is maybe the last real chance I get to see this man that is so special to me. It's hard cause in some ways I think I've been letting it ruin my night, I've not been in a good mood and definitely short with people..but that's not how i want it to be. Its a good thing that tomorrow I also get to really say goodbye to my youth pastor..I think that will be good for me but its still going to be really bitter sweet. I just feel like every Dec is a hard month and the new year always starts out funky. But the thing that I know I've probably said before, is that even though I have no choice of what happens to me, I have a choice of how I respond and whether or not I'm going to let it ruin my night or year. I guess I was just really looking forward to letting some things go and starting some wonderful new things as well and I can still do that, I was just hoping that it would go differently. I'm just so bummed and I was almost even feeling frustrated with him even though its not his fault at all. I think its just the emotion of him leaving and for so long and there's nothing I can do about it cause its the weather that's keeping us apart. I just wanted to see him and touch him one more time for the 2 years that he's gone cause I knew that I could be strong and last..live off those memories for the time he is gone. But now I dont know and I don't even know if I want to go to the party tonight I just want to be alone and yet that is not the way I want to end this year. I trust God and I know he has something beautiful I just hope I didn't mess it up..and I hope that things can move forward with this guy I like cause gosh he means the world to me. Happy new year everyone!!

Forgiving What I've done..

I don't even really know where to begin. It was a fantastic Christmas..one of the best I've ever experienced. I really don't know how long it will be till I have another one like that where everyone (or almost everyone)is there. I loved that my Uncle and Grandma made it..I loved that a lot of my friends got to be home this year..college and military friends alike.
Age old question..did I get all I wanted? Yes and no..the presents weren't what was important..it was the heart behind them. No I didn't get everything on my list, and no not all my dreams came true..but I got to thinking that not all your dreams can come true at the same time otherwise you wouldn't be ready to handle them just yet..there's still so much to learn. I was surrounded by family and I had wonderful friends that were such blessings. This year I'm happy to say that it was my first official year having a real best friend..the kind Anne of Greengables talks about :)
On a darker note..and to go along with the title of this Blog..things haven't been going the greatest lately. I've made some really hurtful mistakes/choices, what have you..and I've been having a hard time dealing with it all this week and now it's gone to a medical problem so therefore, over the weekend I'm going to be undergoing antibiotics and possibly a dr visit next week. I can't really post the thing that I did..not even that many people know about it..just one person..me, and God. All I know is that I will never do it again and I've very much so learned from it. God has been so good to me and I don't deserve his Grace..yet I think he's giving me a lot of it.I want to make it a goal in the new year and even the 2 days leading up to it..not to take my relationship with God or anyone else for that matter, for granted. I dont know what else to say tonight other than I'm excited for what God has for me and I know that he's going to do so many good/big things not only in my life but yours as well1! really hoping this weekend turns out!!

life decisions

My Grandma is here finally!! It's definitely been a fun day with thee sun shining, and then since she had a 3 hour lay over..my mom, sisters, and I went to the new library in the area which was actually really neat. I loved all of the floors..and loved how pretty much all the walls were made of glass..so pretty. :)
After picking up my grandma, we went shopping and then came home..after which my dad wanted me to drive him back to Washougal (my hometown) to pick up one of our cars that was getting fixed.
Way busy night wrapping some last presents, getting recipes ready for more shopping tomorrow to get ingredients for pies and cookies! Still not entirely sure how tomorrow is going to play out but I'm thinking I'm going to finish up the decorating, make some christmas candied hearts..and then who knows haha but its going to be a good day for sure. :)
Plans for January are looking ok for now but to be completely honest I'm just afraid of getting my hopes up cause something like this happened in October where I thought I was going to get to see someone and then it turned out not to work so its hard keeping emotions curbed but I think I can do this. :)
I'm proud to say that I'm actually getting excited about Christmas (finally!). Realized that no matter what happens, I can't let circumstances control my attitude and I have to make the most of everything. Been so tired today but I think tomorrow will be better to just spend more time with family. Anyhoo thats all but got some big decisions to make in the next week..still haven't planned my party ha and got so much to work out but God is good and I know that I can do this cause he brought it to me.. :) hope the adventure will get better, night all!

Just need to vent lol

I was debating whether or not I'd actually post this...but I feel like in case anyone ever reads it, it could help.
Anyway..right now I think I'm letting my emotions get the best of me. Just found something on the guy I like's wall...and he was basically talking to this girl saying he wants to see her..blah blah, and then adds that she owes him something and says "jk" after. Normally i wouldn't worry about it..but now my feelings for him are way too strong compared to what they were like a year ago and so the littlest thing gets me jealous. I don't really think I have anything to worry about but I just feel frustrated cause I feel like he keeps making plans to see other people and never any time to see me. Now given the fact that most of these people live closer than I do..and also the fact that he happens to be really good friends with a lot of girls but it still frustrates me. I know that we're not really a couple and so I shouldn't let this get to me but its hard not to when we're as close as we are. I think a lot of it is I'm just getting more emotional as the day gets closer to when he leaves for like forever..especially since its already been a year since I've seen him last and I pretty much love him even though I'm trying to hold it back. I just feel like I'm always the one that has the stronger feelings and I'm always the one that gets hurt..and this is one time where its like I thought he was the one and only guy I could trust and be fine with and then I see that and now I just don't want to talk to him..was actually going to attempt finding a time for when we can get together but now I'm too mad. Anyway..I dont really know what the moral of the story is..I just wish I could be more careful with my heart and I wish that guys could communicate more what they're feeling and just be more thoughtful cause I feel really hurt and just hoping that this is just a misunderstanding.

Ohh sometimes..I get a good feeling...

I can't remember now what all I already talked about in the last blog so bear with me in cause some of it is on repeat! ;)
I think I might've mentioned but love saying...that I'm so proud of my dad for finally starting back up on running races like he used to in College. it's so amazing to see him doing something that he loves and in a lot of ways its inspiring to me because it helps me see that I really can go for the things that I love and maybe actually do well in it and who knows how far it will get me someday? I've actually been kind of struggling with "finding a new dream"-reference from the movie tangled..my old dreams were involving either being a firefighter or military guy's wife and being involved with the ministries that would go along with that..but even though I still want to make a difference in those areas of life and the friends I have that live that life style..it's not really my dream anymore. So I was trying to figure out what my dream IS..cause for a while my dream career wise was to be a fashion designer and don't get me wrong..I love fashion but I just don't picture wanting to have to come up with several hundred new ideas every month so I just don't know if that's for me. It's hard thinking of the fact that I could potentially do the same thing my whole life..which if it were the right thing, I wouldn't mind at all..in fact I'd be thrilled. Like you probably saw in a couple posts back..I've really been thinking of missions but the whole thing is weird cause I want to use my passions to make a difference in the world..but at the same time Bible translation is just not my gift..so I'm hoping I can find a ministry that can maybe also be my career..and just do that. Also I think I may have found someone that would complete that dream but only time will tell since he is about to leave for 2 years...
Along with that ^ its been getting harder as the days come closer way too fast..to when he is going to be leaving (21 days now)..and the fact that I've still not seen him in a year. I have all these thoughts of what if he doesn't want to be with me and yada yada..you know how it goes, so I've just been trying to deal with those emotions and thoughts which has been quite the challenge since my whole life..I've never known a man that wanted me for good..but ya its a trust thing with my relationship with God..and I really do trust him.
I find that its just stealing my joy in this Christmas season, and consuming all my thoughts. So I've determined that I'm just going to make things happen in my life..things to keep me busy while I wait for the turn out since there's nothing else I can do and worrying or freaking out isn't going to make anything better..just going to make me miserable. Life really is mostly about your attitude and not so much the things that happen, cause circumstances can't define you unless you let them.
Hard to believe that my grandma is going to be coming for Christmas from the Seattle area in about 2 days ish! And then my Uncle comes from Cali shortly after (Christmas Eve). Still working on figuring out what I'm going to be doing for new years but I'm going to make it a good one! Well that's all I can think of for now, have a good night!! :)

All I want for Christmas is youuuu

It's getting so much closer to Christmas and I don't even know if it's hit me yet that it's exactly a week away. I feel like time is going by so fast (considering I've not been on here in forever ha).I love being busy cause it gives me something to think about/do rather than worry (which I do a lot ha). This past week was a weird/long week starting with last Sunday..I had to say goodbye to my Youth pastor..as well as my cousin. I'm hoping that I'll be able to see them both before the time they actually move but in case I dont, that was goodbye for me...the good part with that though is I am pretty sure I'll see them both eventually. My mentor I had to say goodbye to on Tuesday..but that was actually not as hard as I was thinking since I know I will be able to stay in contact with her. I got to go to my hometown on Thursday, chat with my bestfriend for most of the week..got to talk to the guy I like and my brother on Sunday night so it had its moments of good times in it as well as the hard times. Yesterday was fun cause my dad has started running in races again and yesterday was the first he has done since college so it was exciting..and then we spend the day (I can't say where yet since its before Christmas) haha..shopping. And then just busy all around. I have more to mention but I'm thinking tomorrow will be better..so TO BE CONTINUED! :)