Week 2!! :)

Welp time for another update! lol. :P Last week was one of the most successful weeks ever, I worked so hard with all of my goals and though I know I could've done so much better I know that it was a start and I got way more done than I thought I could. God is so good and every day he amazes me. It has been such a crazy past week but definitely good. Over the weekend, I was able to get together with a friend of mine that I hadn't seen in a while so it was good. Saturday was mainly filled with studying..and now just really hoping that I can retain everything. Going to retest and see if I have more review on one of the subjects. Did a different subject that is normally problematic for me but did pretty well;more than half the questions right and its been at least a year since I've last studied this so I was really surprised. Anyway, right now I'm thinking that I'm not going to take the test this month since I need at least a week in advance and there's no way I'm going to take the whole thing in one day-7am till 6pm, no way on this green earth. Saturday night my sis wanted me to drive her downtown Portland..the driving part I didn't like but the message at church was great. It was the story of the good Samaritan which I've heard several times, but there was something new that I got from it this time and that's what I love, when I can learn something new from a lesson I've heard multiple times. :) The main keys-learn to forgive someone that you've been holding a grudge against for a long time (or even just at all)point 2 was talking about getting involved in your community to really just serve the people you cross paths with..be willing to get dirty and do things that you normally wouldn't. Point 3 was talking about the importance of just being a friend to the people in your life..cause whether or not you realize it there may be someone who is hurting and you just may be the person God wants to use to save them. So very profound I thought. :) And then Sunday was the day that my dad was preaching at my parent's church and I thought it was a very good message. It was really nice to hear him speak after a couple years since the last time he got to. His message was about the different names of God and was just talking about how God is always going to keep his promises, he has a plan for our lives, and he is going to make something beautiful of our lives. There have been a couple things that happened over the weekend that have just really been having me think more of where I stand with my different beliefs so its been good for me to be sure. One thing I've been thinking about is just what it will take for me to learn how to NOT procrastinate, not make excuses with things, and not live in fear. So thankful I have a wonderful mentor and good friends to help me with that. I've also been asking myself what my main motivation for having a "relationship" with God is. Like is it based off of me only going to him when things aren't going well, or is it based off of the actual love that I have for him. I was thinking of all of the things I'm going to need to take care of before I would be ready for a relationship. I don't think its going to take that long at all, and am really excited to see where things go. One thing I've been struggling with is simply not getting easily frustrated with people. One thing I've realized in the past month is that I get really frustrated especially with guys that try to give me advice. The thing a lot of guys don't know, is that most of the time we simply just want to vent;to have someone listen. We already know what's wrong and we already know what we need to do to make it better. If we need help/want help, we will ask. Most men just go off and give advice and it comes off as them not really respecting us and not really caring about what is going on but always trying to be right and have a remedy to make things better, and its quite annoying actually. I'm not really mentioning this for any specific reason, its just been something my mom and I were talking about and if there are any guys out there that read this, I can guarantee things will go better with you and that special girl if you just try to listen more and instead of just giving advice..maybe ask her if there's any thing she needs help with,there are subtle ways of seeing if she wants advice without just being all up in her face. Anyway that is definitely something I'm thankful for with my brothers, and the man I care for..they don't know that about me I dont think..that I find it annoying when guys simply give advice without really asking, but somehow they just GET me. I think thats something that when especially guys get to know me better, they know how to work things. Anyway, this coming week is going to be interesting for sure. Going to have a lot of studying and so much just in general going on. Still thinking about whether or not it's going to work for me to make my trip work next month but I'm trusting God with that. Timing is everything and I just simply need to wait. Not too much else to say at the moment. Just a couple situations going on that I'm a little worried about but I know better than to fret over things that I don't know that much about. I know things will get better, I just hope its soon haha. Hope everyone is having a fantastic week so far. :)

standing side by side-day 3 :)

Well not even going to talk about yesterday cause not much happened haha. But I am proud to say that I am doing well on my goal. Step one for me was just doing the things I procrastinate about, first that way i don't have to dread it for the rest of the day. Something else that I wish I thought of sooner is just dividing a big goal into little bits. For me that's actually a lot harder than it may sound cause I like to just get something done all at once but it was good for me to separate cause it wasn't so much stress at one time. Got more done that way and just feels so good to know that I'm one step. I just hope that with this one thing-studying for a huge test that will really determine a lot of where I head next in my life...I hope that I can retain it all cause I've been so dead tired the past week..or probably longer. Today was fun at work..I love the different activities we get to do, love the people I work with, and the kids are the greatest!! Got to skype date with a special girl that I've not seen face to face since new years so that was fab and definitely going to chat it up more tomorrow! Something confusing happened yesterday..but it might just be the thing that I need to really just give me time to think. I have no idea what's going on and wish I could go more into detail but with this being a private page i just cant. I will say the thing that was on everyone's mind though-yes it does have to do with my emotions haha but what doesn't honestly. :P hahaha. well finding out that I just need to figure out what I want. I don't want to really rush any of my goals..my future..any part of it at all. Its hard though cause on the one hand there is something that I want right now but I also know that there is something I have to face first before i would be ready for something that big. I know that if I were to move into that realm that it would most likely be more long term than anything I have ever had. I don't want to procrastinate though. :P haa. I think I love someone, but my emotions just keep going back and forth to where I don't really know if its genuine or not so much. I think it is though, this has been going on a while and I love this guy I just think I'm a little scared cause I've never really had a lasting relationship in my life and this guy is so mysterious lol. I just would hate to mess something up but we'll see. That is all for this day haha. :)

Just do it!! lol day 1 of week 1 :P

So lately I've just been feeling like I'm so set in my ways that there's no possible way that I'm going to really be able to change. But I know that's just a lie from the pit cause if I were to give everything my best, there's no telling all that I could learn, accomplish, where I could go, how many people I could help, and what all I could do for God. I think if I'm downright honest with myself, I'm just scared. Scared of things never really changing and always failing. But something I'm learning is its all about how you see things-its not really failure if you learn from and grow from it. I have a couple really bad habits that I'm going to attempt breaking this week-1. Thinking about everything to the point where I never actually act on my ideas, but rather just over analyze everything until I eventually either talk myself out of doing things or I just wait till I figure everything out before I take another step. 2. Procrastinating about everything that seems hard or risky. 3. Making excuses for why I can't do things and 4. letting fear stop/hold me back from really doing anything. I really think I actually know what I need to do but just feel like what's the point. Fact is I don't actually know cause again with brutal honesty..I usually try something maybe 5 times tops before just giving up. And then I try the same thing in the same way 2 years later. Gosh that sounds so sad when I think about it. I keep telling myself that no one can possibly have as good a reason as I for not being able to move forward. But honestly..in a way if I hold fast to those thoughts..I'd pretty much be letting the no-sayers be right. All the people who told me to settle, who told me that I could never make it...if I never move forward they will be right. So yep I admit to the public that I have felt like giving up lately but then I know that the genuine honest to goodness Kallayah just can't give up. She fights to the end and doesn't give up when one little thing goes wrong. The main thing is at the end of the day I want to be able to say that I've given everything my best shot. I'm not content with staying here-this town, this place of life etc..for the rest of my life. I'm content for now, yeah. But I don't want to still be in this city doing the same things 2 years from now, Lord willing that this world is still around. I want to either be starting college or in college. I want to live near or in Seattle on my own for at least a couple months. I want to have a better job, a church that I can call my own, a man that loves me that I'm crazy about..you name it. Right now that's my dream. So if nothing else, I hope this maybe inspires at least one person out there that thinks maybe they're alone and that they'll never make it. I promise you, you can do anything you set your mind to do as long as it's God's will and if its not-God says yes which gives us what we want, no which gives us something better, and wait which gives us the best. I've probably said that before but its so true. So if you feel the same as I, we're in this together and we can go conquer the world. We really can! So even if this is the only week I try this little "plan" of giving everything my best shot, I'm going to do it. :)

Just a dream..

Well its been forever so thought I'd post a couple updates! I don't even remember the last time I wrote haha so bear with me if some of this news is old! Well first I think I should mention that I finally have a job! God is so good, I keep procrastinating about everything and end up losing out on opportunities that I could've participated in yet God keeps bringing more chances into my life. :) This is the 6th year at the daycare so I'm excited to see what God has for me. Started the Tuesdays this week and now Thursdays tomorrow so it should be interesting cause I find out which age group I work with! Moving plans fell through with my cousin..again though as sad as it may sound I'm not that surprised cause this isn't the first time she has offered something and then turn around and tell me that it's not available anymore. So guess that option is out haha, but still hoping to move and so right now just figured that the best plan is for me to just work and save up and then whenever it works for me to move God will bring something up or I'll just be able to visit my friends every now and again depending on my paycheck. Really hoping it works for me to be able to go to the concert mainly cause there might be a couple good friends that I might get to see and maybe some people I get to meet for the first time. Well there was a hope/plan for me to be able to meet up with one of the 2 guys that I like last weekend but it didn't end up working out so we'll see what happens. Its hard cause I'm so picky when it comes to relationships/guys and yet I thought maybe I found 2 guys that would be good possibilities. Well one of the guys I still haven't heard from and of course me being really shy, I've not said much except through updates on fb and whatnot. The other guy I just was kind of waiting to see if anything would happen with guy 2 cause I honestly thought maybe I felt more of a connection with guy 2 than with the first guy. But then nothing has really happened so I've been feeling really confused. The funny thing is that yeah I want something to develop with one of the guys and yet I know that a part of me needs the rest of the month to just be single and get some of the last touches together on getting ready. Its also hard that both these guys live close to the area that would've been able to move to and now IF anything happens it might have to start with distance. So it'll be interesting to see how things pan out but I want to be content with where God has me. :) That's all for now but hopefully I'll be posting more updates more often!