Hi everyone!! I totally had a post written around Christmas, and although I still intend to post it whenever the heck I find it, I seemed to have misplaced it ha. :/
There is so much reflecting I want to do, since God has done SO much in the last year, but I dont think I'd be able to think of nearly as many things as I know I want to share with you all. :) God really outdid himself this last year!! Many of you saw that at the beginning of the year, I really wanted to be able to see just a couple dreams come to life, wanted to graduate, and had a few other goals that were important to me as well. WELL...at that time (it was around this same time last year) I had NO idea that I'd actually get to go to Hawaii and all the other places I went and little did I think I'd be doing all the things I did! I really am so confident that it wasn't because of me that those things were able to be reality...it was all God and only Him. I learned so much more about the character of God...and although that was part of my purpose in going to the school that I attended, I think I was somehow under the impression that I'd mainly just be serving God and serving others and that the things I would hear based on the area of faith would be review. Ha I was wrong...just when we think we have God all figured out, he likes to show us something about himself that undoes all the things that we thought we previously knew! It's so amazing and he definitely knows how to keep the spark alive! ;) I mentioned in other posts how I was able to live out several dreams, face a lot of fears and on top of that...I was able to cross a lot of things off my bucket list! I think the main thing that I'm astounded by, is the fact that he became so much more personal to me this last year. He helped me see that up to that time, I KNEW that he loved me but I just didnt really completely believe it. He did so much more in my heart than I ever thought possible. I received so much healing in areas that I had forgotten about (such as things from my childhood etc), and I really dont think I would've been able to begin to uncover those areas in my life if I hadn't gone to that school. I could go on and on about more things that he did in my heart, what I witnessed in the lives of the people I came in contact with and more...but in short: God has been so so good to me!! With all the experiences I faced, I really saw how faithful and personal God is and that no matter where I go in life, he IS going to always love me and provide everything I need and I dont have to be afraid! A few weeks before graduation, I got a picture from God that I thought was just for that time...and it's turned into something that God has kept reminding me of from time to time, and I know that it's his way of telling me that he wants to complete the healing that was started. :) I think I shared about the vision I got about a wall (in one of my previous posts) and I think the overall message was that its time to face the past and move beyond it. It took me a lot of time (the last 3 months of being home) to really get myself to trust more deeply than I ever have and to calm my fears enough to know that it really truly is God telling me this...and although I dont know if I'm quite there YET, I really think I'm getting so much closer. There were countless excuses...and it reminds me of the picture of the wall, where I'm standing in front of it telling God how impossible it is for him to help me move past it when there's no door in site and no way around or over. The reality is...I cant go over this anymore, and there's no way I can go around it anymore cause I know that if I dont face it now, it's just going to come up later and it might not be so convenient at that time as now. That's the thing with God...when he wants you to do something, he is more than patient for us to be ready. I think that in the past, it wasn't time to face this wall...and I think that's why there were always doors or ways around/through the walls I came across. But this time I cant do it without God. I think I see the point too...if there was a way around it or a door...I would take it without thinking twice and that would symbolize me doing it on my own without God. So to complete this picture: there's no way over or around the wall cause it's too high and too long, to the point where it'd be impossible. I have 3 choices...I can go back, I can move forward, or I can stay put. Going back isn't an option cause I've come too far that going back would take too long and there's no point cause I'd just end up back at this spot later on anyway. Then there are really two options...stay put or move forward. It would seem like the choice to be made is obvious. Duh...you'd want to move forward. But it's not that simple in my mind because I know that moving forward means that NOTHING is going to be the way it was. All the things that I've held onto that in a sense kept me safe...gone. Totally uncharted and unlike any path I've ever walked and I have so many risks that I'd be making. And staying here....well it would mean that I can put it off a little longer and that maybe it'll be more safe when I finally move forward because maybe I'll be more ready and able to tackle whatever I'd find. I feel like God is saying that I dont have to wait to be more ready because I'm probably as ready as I'm ever going to be and it's not going to be easy no matter what I'd choose. I'm terrified because it means that I just have to let things rest. I've gotten good at burying things while they're still alive and then since they're out of site, it's like they're dead to me.But then they keep rising back up and trying to hold onto my ankles so I cant walk. They just chain me down and I know that its a fool thing to do to just let it stay like that and not try to move out of it. But then it's just I can't...and if you've ever been in that place in your life then you know what I mean. It's not that you dont want to...but its that last thread that you feel like you actually are holding onto when deep inside you know that really, it's not in your strength to keep holding onto. You just have to fall and trust that God is going to be there to catch you. And why wouldn't he catch you when he did all the other times? Because, you think for a split second that this time, this is different and this is more serious than those other times. You're not sure if God wants to or that you deserve it. The thing that I've seen though, is that whether or not you think you deserve it...it's there for you to take cause it's a gift and if you dont take it...you're missing out on something that could be the best thing in your life. I realized something too...I'm afraid of moving forward because I'm afraid it's not going to matter, and that the past is just going to keep repeating itself. I really believe though that God is telling me different. If the past repeats itself...then that's something God will walk with me at that time. I'm a different person then i was when I was hurt in the past...I'm not around the same people and I'm not making the same mistakes/choices. Plus, I wasn't fully surrendered to God at that time and although I'm still not perfect...My life is HIS. I have a choice though cause by living in the past, I'm not taking the gift of freedom that is offered to me. I'm not really giving him every area if I cant give him that. You cant change unless you're working on changing something about your life, every day. So that means that this is going to be something that I'm going to have to work at with God for a little bit but I feel really close. I've said this before...I think the first and last steps are the hardest cause I really believe that first, the devil just doesnt want you to start.,..so if he can get you to not even get going...then he wins. BUT if you do get started, he doesnt care if you're doing something as long as you never get to the goal you have...and the last step I think sometimes is the hardest cause he just doesnt want you to finish. Something I learned not too long ago (and it makes complete sense so I'm like why didnt I think of it before?) is that the devil uses procrastination to steal things from our lives. If he can get us to put things off that are important..we'll never get around to it and then we wont meet the potential God has for us. He is so subtle about it that we dont even notice sometimes. I know this is something I struggle with cause I just get this idea in my head that if I'm not ready for something, the rest of the world is on pause kinda like Sleeping Beauty..where everyone gets put to sleep when she falls in a deep sleep. But real life isn't like that...life goes on even if you choose to shut yourself in and close your eyes. It's time to start stepping out and letting people love me and loving them too. :) Hope this helped and that you were able to understand the gist even though it was all jumbled (super tired ha). Blessings!
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Our Worst Mistakes...He Wants
Hi my friends!!
It's been such an incredibly long time since I've last blogged, and I'm trying to get back into it here soon! As many of you may know, from the months of April-October, I was involved with YWAM (Youth With A Mission), doing their DTS (Decipleship Training School) which is 6 months long. I'm going to try my best to update the page that I made specifically for my adventures through YWAM, but I wanted to share a special story from one of the days that I was on our dance/acting tour.
I really dont remember all the specifics, other than the fact that we were doing our second performance of the day. It already wasn't really the best of days for us since most of us were really tired, some of us were sick, and a lot of us were facing different attacks from the enemy. We knew that we'd be performing at a small theater in the local town that we were at, and we were told to expect about 100 people. It wasn't much, but it was something at least. In our minds, everything that could go wrong, did go wrong. We had next to no lighting because since it was a more modern theater, there wasn't a stage and therefore no stage lighting. There were about 30 of us performing and the room that we had to perform in was about twenty feet wide and five feet long. So you can get the picture that for a group that was dancing and acting...there really wasn't any room. The lighting that we had asked for wasn't available and the workers at the theater had to turn on the lights in the theater room since there weren't any spot lights like we had hoped and planned for. Every plan we had was falling apart. People were losing parts of their costumes because it was so dark and a lot of us had forgotten to bring our phones etc (especially since there wasn't any phone service, it just wasn't something we thought to take that day). So as you can imagine, LOTS of frustration, lots of tempers running high....it was a very stressful environment. I had thought I lost one of my costumes since a lot of us had the same exact thing. I also got a rip in one of my dresses, which weren't exactly the kinds of dresses you could easily replace. When it was about 20 minutes before and we were trying to get ready for the show...we heard that there would only be about 10 people there that night. One of the ladies that had been hosting us at the base, gave us a little pep talk and told us to remember that no matter what it looked like to us, we HAD to remember that it was really God we were performing for and that it wasn't really a matter of number of people that were there. We were freaking out a little bit because we knew that there would be some theater directors and pretty widely known (and super talented) actors coming to see us that night, and we also knew that they knew we weren't professional. Everything we had tried to do, and plan on to make things look as professional as possible, wasn't working. Right down to our costumes. That night....was our very worst performance we ever ended up having...and at the time, we were feeling really terrible because it was one of our first performances in our whole tour. Anyway, everything went wrong...the sound was off, the lighting was so dark you could barely see anything (which for any of you who have seen a peformance at a theater or know anything about theater life, you know lighting is key), our voices weren't cooperating, a lot of us messed up the dances, and the actors forgot some of their lines. It wasn't even that we were nervous, although that was a small part of it. It was mostly just that we were all having an off day, and the enemy was really getting to our minds and bodies. At the curtain call, we all bowed humbly and had been praying the whole time. But it was no use in our minds, because most of us felt so terrible for the nasty attitudes that we had towards each other, and in general...that we really didn't expect God to want to use us at all. Well, we started packing up and preparing just to go home when our school leader and base director came and told us that the famous theater director that had come...was in the other room and wanting to meet us. We slowly went out...and found a man in tears, and he was just shaking his head and told us that he had never seen anything like that in his life. He told us that it was "simply brilliant" and that he thought that the whole city needed to see our show and that he was going to try to put something similar together and get his actors and dancers to reenact the show. We were in total shock....how could something so terrible have such an influence on someone who was a professional in a field that we weren't? We all learned some huge lessons that day...one was that no matter what you do, if you think you're doing it all on your own...you're going to fail. It's when you give your very worst and most broken parts of your life to God...that he can do HUGE things through it. That's not to say that we should all go around making the biggest mistakes we can. But I wanted to share that with you guys to encourage you to remember who it is that gave you the dreams and gifts that you have. And never assume that God doesnt want the worst or the smallest things that you have to offer. Something else that I learned that kind of sounds like a no brainer...is that this world is broken. They dont care about the people that have it all together. They're not watching the most talented dancers. They're watching the people who are struggling, the people who aren't the best. They want to see if there's hope for them cause they know that if someone else who is broken can make it, so can they. Sometimes the most broken areas in our lives have the biggest influence and can be the biggest story God uses in someone's life. You never can tell what it will do in someone's heart. That's why you cant give up, and you cant ever assume the worst. I'm learning even still....a couple months after that night in the theater, to give God EVERYTHING. Dont be embarrassed because God already sent his Son to die for a freedom that we dont have to earn. I hope this story blesses you!!
It's been such an incredibly long time since I've last blogged, and I'm trying to get back into it here soon! As many of you may know, from the months of April-October, I was involved with YWAM (Youth With A Mission), doing their DTS (Decipleship Training School) which is 6 months long. I'm going to try my best to update the page that I made specifically for my adventures through YWAM, but I wanted to share a special story from one of the days that I was on our dance/acting tour.
I really dont remember all the specifics, other than the fact that we were doing our second performance of the day. It already wasn't really the best of days for us since most of us were really tired, some of us were sick, and a lot of us were facing different attacks from the enemy. We knew that we'd be performing at a small theater in the local town that we were at, and we were told to expect about 100 people. It wasn't much, but it was something at least. In our minds, everything that could go wrong, did go wrong. We had next to no lighting because since it was a more modern theater, there wasn't a stage and therefore no stage lighting. There were about 30 of us performing and the room that we had to perform in was about twenty feet wide and five feet long. So you can get the picture that for a group that was dancing and acting...there really wasn't any room. The lighting that we had asked for wasn't available and the workers at the theater had to turn on the lights in the theater room since there weren't any spot lights like we had hoped and planned for. Every plan we had was falling apart. People were losing parts of their costumes because it was so dark and a lot of us had forgotten to bring our phones etc (especially since there wasn't any phone service, it just wasn't something we thought to take that day). So as you can imagine, LOTS of frustration, lots of tempers running high....it was a very stressful environment. I had thought I lost one of my costumes since a lot of us had the same exact thing. I also got a rip in one of my dresses, which weren't exactly the kinds of dresses you could easily replace. When it was about 20 minutes before and we were trying to get ready for the show...we heard that there would only be about 10 people there that night. One of the ladies that had been hosting us at the base, gave us a little pep talk and told us to remember that no matter what it looked like to us, we HAD to remember that it was really God we were performing for and that it wasn't really a matter of number of people that were there. We were freaking out a little bit because we knew that there would be some theater directors and pretty widely known (and super talented) actors coming to see us that night, and we also knew that they knew we weren't professional. Everything we had tried to do, and plan on to make things look as professional as possible, wasn't working. Right down to our costumes. That night....was our very worst performance we ever ended up having...and at the time, we were feeling really terrible because it was one of our first performances in our whole tour. Anyway, everything went wrong...the sound was off, the lighting was so dark you could barely see anything (which for any of you who have seen a peformance at a theater or know anything about theater life, you know lighting is key), our voices weren't cooperating, a lot of us messed up the dances, and the actors forgot some of their lines. It wasn't even that we were nervous, although that was a small part of it. It was mostly just that we were all having an off day, and the enemy was really getting to our minds and bodies. At the curtain call, we all bowed humbly and had been praying the whole time. But it was no use in our minds, because most of us felt so terrible for the nasty attitudes that we had towards each other, and in general...that we really didn't expect God to want to use us at all. Well, we started packing up and preparing just to go home when our school leader and base director came and told us that the famous theater director that had come...was in the other room and wanting to meet us. We slowly went out...and found a man in tears, and he was just shaking his head and told us that he had never seen anything like that in his life. He told us that it was "simply brilliant" and that he thought that the whole city needed to see our show and that he was going to try to put something similar together and get his actors and dancers to reenact the show. We were in total shock....how could something so terrible have such an influence on someone who was a professional in a field that we weren't? We all learned some huge lessons that day...one was that no matter what you do, if you think you're doing it all on your own...you're going to fail. It's when you give your very worst and most broken parts of your life to God...that he can do HUGE things through it. That's not to say that we should all go around making the biggest mistakes we can. But I wanted to share that with you guys to encourage you to remember who it is that gave you the dreams and gifts that you have. And never assume that God doesnt want the worst or the smallest things that you have to offer. Something else that I learned that kind of sounds like a no brainer...is that this world is broken. They dont care about the people that have it all together. They're not watching the most talented dancers. They're watching the people who are struggling, the people who aren't the best. They want to see if there's hope for them cause they know that if someone else who is broken can make it, so can they. Sometimes the most broken areas in our lives have the biggest influence and can be the biggest story God uses in someone's life. You never can tell what it will do in someone's heart. That's why you cant give up, and you cant ever assume the worst. I'm learning even still....a couple months after that night in the theater, to give God EVERYTHING. Dont be embarrassed because God already sent his Son to die for a freedom that we dont have to earn. I hope this story blesses you!!
Monday, September 16, 2013
...He will transform and renew our minds
Hi everyone!!!
I dont even know where to begin on the things God has taught me the last few months, but I really firmly believe that its safe to say that when I left home, I was a girl. This time, I really believe that I'm going home a woman (or at least the beginning stages). God has really healed me of so many things that I dont think I would've even known about if I had done anything else in my life these past few months. The lessons haven't been easy; one thing thats been the hardest has been learning to love the unlovable. I've been learning that although its easy to love the people that are similar to you etc, there's nothing too special about that because anyone can love someone who's easy to love. Its when you can love the people who act in a way you have a hard time tolerating...that you know you're on the right path. God has been turning my mind inside out---just changing all the ways I think about life as well as the way I see myself. I've seen so many people come to the Lord, so many families wanting to restore relationships, so many miracles where people who couldn't walk or see were able to. These are things that I know I'll never forget, and I know God is going to work in mighty ways in the years to come just from the things he started through the team I've been a part of. This week, we were in Vegas and I learned SO much. I really believe God wants to turn that city around, and although I want to find time to write more about the experience, i want to just say right now that God really showed me through going to Vegas, that he still loves those people just as much as he loves us. Nothing makes us better,,,,and really when you think about it, the only difference is that we're not sinning as openly, and we've received God's grace. God has really just been breaking my heart more and more for the people that dont have Christ in their lives. As I'm getting closer to coming home (2 weeks exactly), I still dont really know for sure what God wants next for me. No idea what my ministry will be or anything like that. I just know that I'm not going back to how I was and I know too that I have a mission to help the lost. Some of us have been asking ourselves and each other why God has allowed us to perform at mostly churches and schools and most of the people we've been meeting already know about God etc. I kind of think its because even though yes God wants to reach the non-Christians, there are some people who know God who are utterly lost. I've been seeing more and more that even though it'd surprise you, Americans are some of the most lost people in the world. I say that because even with the other countries where you're not allowed to talk about God, most of the people are receptive. Americans on the other hand...most of us know ABOUT God's love. We just dont believe IN it. We're so numb and we cower behind walls that we've created. I really think that right now God wants to build up those people. He wants to change the church from being so denominational to something where as long as we all worship Him and have relationship with Him, thats really all that matters. It could be my generation, my kids, or my future grandchildren...but either way, God wants to build us up so we can be warriors for Him. We have such a big job and its not coincidence that we have the passions that we have. God wants to use those in us for His glory. We have to reject the lies of the devil though first. I have so much more that I'd like to share, but for now I'd just like to ask for your prayers. I want to finish school well and not just see this as the last few weeks, and therefore I can do whatever and have a lazy attitude. I'd like prayer that God would direct me to where I'm supposed to go when I get home/what I'm supposed to do. And prayer that God would finish the healing that he started in my heart and that I'd let him. Thank you guys SO much for supporting me and loving me through this journey! Thank you also for being patient and understanding about my internet situation with not being able to post as much as I'd like, and also for bearing with me when I do post something, since usually I'm exhausted. :) Love you all, Kallayah :)
I dont even know where to begin on the things God has taught me the last few months, but I really firmly believe that its safe to say that when I left home, I was a girl. This time, I really believe that I'm going home a woman (or at least the beginning stages). God has really healed me of so many things that I dont think I would've even known about if I had done anything else in my life these past few months. The lessons haven't been easy; one thing thats been the hardest has been learning to love the unlovable. I've been learning that although its easy to love the people that are similar to you etc, there's nothing too special about that because anyone can love someone who's easy to love. Its when you can love the people who act in a way you have a hard time tolerating...that you know you're on the right path. God has been turning my mind inside out---just changing all the ways I think about life as well as the way I see myself. I've seen so many people come to the Lord, so many families wanting to restore relationships, so many miracles where people who couldn't walk or see were able to. These are things that I know I'll never forget, and I know God is going to work in mighty ways in the years to come just from the things he started through the team I've been a part of. This week, we were in Vegas and I learned SO much. I really believe God wants to turn that city around, and although I want to find time to write more about the experience, i want to just say right now that God really showed me through going to Vegas, that he still loves those people just as much as he loves us. Nothing makes us better,,,,and really when you think about it, the only difference is that we're not sinning as openly, and we've received God's grace. God has really just been breaking my heart more and more for the people that dont have Christ in their lives. As I'm getting closer to coming home (2 weeks exactly), I still dont really know for sure what God wants next for me. No idea what my ministry will be or anything like that. I just know that I'm not going back to how I was and I know too that I have a mission to help the lost. Some of us have been asking ourselves and each other why God has allowed us to perform at mostly churches and schools and most of the people we've been meeting already know about God etc. I kind of think its because even though yes God wants to reach the non-Christians, there are some people who know God who are utterly lost. I've been seeing more and more that even though it'd surprise you, Americans are some of the most lost people in the world. I say that because even with the other countries where you're not allowed to talk about God, most of the people are receptive. Americans on the other hand...most of us know ABOUT God's love. We just dont believe IN it. We're so numb and we cower behind walls that we've created. I really think that right now God wants to build up those people. He wants to change the church from being so denominational to something where as long as we all worship Him and have relationship with Him, thats really all that matters. It could be my generation, my kids, or my future grandchildren...but either way, God wants to build us up so we can be warriors for Him. We have such a big job and its not coincidence that we have the passions that we have. God wants to use those in us for His glory. We have to reject the lies of the devil though first. I have so much more that I'd like to share, but for now I'd just like to ask for your prayers. I want to finish school well and not just see this as the last few weeks, and therefore I can do whatever and have a lazy attitude. I'd like prayer that God would direct me to where I'm supposed to go when I get home/what I'm supposed to do. And prayer that God would finish the healing that he started in my heart and that I'd let him. Thank you guys SO much for supporting me and loving me through this journey! Thank you also for being patient and understanding about my internet situation with not being able to post as much as I'd like, and also for bearing with me when I do post something, since usually I'm exhausted. :) Love you all, Kallayah :)
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