Out of the Shadows

Hi everyone!! I totally had a post written around Christmas, and although I still intend to post it whenever the heck I find it, I seemed to have misplaced it ha. :/
There is so much reflecting I want to do, since God has done SO much in the last year, but I dont think I'd be able to think of nearly as many things as I know I want to share with you all. :) God really outdid himself this last year!! Many of you saw that at the beginning of the year, I really wanted to be able to see just a couple dreams come to life, wanted to graduate, and had a few other goals that were important to me as well. WELL...at that time (it was around this same time last year) I had NO idea that I'd actually get to go to Hawaii and all the other places I went and little did I think I'd be doing all the things I did! I really am so confident that it wasn't because of me that those things were able to be reality...it was all God and only Him. I learned so much more about the character of God...and although that was part of my purpose in going to the school that I attended, I think I was somehow under the impression that I'd mainly just be serving God and serving others and that the things I would hear based on the area of faith would be review. Ha I was wrong...just when we think we have God all figured out, he likes to show us something about himself that undoes all the things that we thought we previously knew! It's so amazing and he definitely knows how to keep the spark alive! ;) I mentioned in other posts how I was able to live out several dreams, face a lot of fears and on top of that...I was able to cross a lot of things off my bucket list! I think the main thing that I'm astounded by, is the fact that he became so much more personal to me this last year. He helped me see that up to that time, I KNEW that he loved me but I just didnt really completely believe it. He did so much more in my heart than I ever thought possible. I received so much healing in areas that I had forgotten about (such as things from my childhood etc), and I really dont think I would've been able to begin to uncover those areas in my life if I hadn't gone to that school. I could go on and on about more things that he did in my heart, what I witnessed in the lives of the people I came in contact with and more...but in short: God has been so so good to me!! With all the experiences I faced, I really saw how faithful and personal God is and that no matter where I go in life, he IS going to always love me and provide everything I need and I dont have to be afraid! A few weeks before graduation, I got a picture from God that I thought was just for that time...and it's turned into something that God has kept reminding me of from time to time, and I know that it's his way of telling me that he wants to complete the healing that was started. :) I think I shared about the vision I got about a wall (in one of my previous posts) and I think the overall message was that its time to face the past and move beyond it. It took me a lot of time (the last 3 months of being home) to really get myself to trust more deeply than I ever have and to calm my fears enough to know that it really truly is God telling me this...and although I dont know if I'm quite there YET, I really think I'm getting so much closer. There were countless excuses...and it reminds me of the picture of the wall, where I'm standing in front of it telling God how impossible it is for him to help me move past it when there's no door in site and no way around or over. The reality is...I cant go over this anymore, and there's no way I can go around it anymore cause I know that if I dont face it now, it's just going to come up later and it might not be so convenient at that time as now. That's the thing with God...when he wants you to do something, he is more than patient for us to be ready. I think that in the past, it wasn't time to face this wall...and I think that's why there were always doors or ways around/through the walls I came across. But this time I cant do it without God. I think I see the point too...if there was a way around it or a door...I would take it without thinking twice and that would symbolize me doing it on my own without God. So to complete this picture: there's no way over or around the wall cause it's too high and too long, to the point where it'd be impossible. I have 3 choices...I can go back, I can move forward, or I can stay put. Going back isn't an option cause I've come too far that going back would take too long and there's no point cause I'd just end up back at this spot later on anyway. Then there are really two options...stay put or move forward. It would seem like the choice to be made is obvious. Duh...you'd want to move forward. But it's not that simple in my mind because I know that moving forward means that NOTHING is going to be the way it was. All the things that I've held onto that in a sense kept me safe...gone. Totally uncharted and unlike any path I've ever walked and I have so many risks that I'd be making. And staying here....well it would mean that I can put it off a little longer and that maybe it'll be more safe when I finally move forward because maybe I'll be more ready and able to tackle whatever I'd find. I feel like God is saying that I dont have to wait to be more ready because I'm probably as ready as I'm ever going to be and it's not going to be easy no matter what I'd choose. I'm terrified because it means that I just have to let things rest. I've gotten good at burying things while they're still alive and then since they're out of site, it's like they're dead to me.But then they keep rising back up and trying to hold onto my ankles so I cant walk. They just chain me down and I know that its a fool thing to do to just let it stay like that and not try to move out of it. But then it's just I can't...and if you've ever been in that place in your life then you know what I mean. It's not that you dont want to...but its that last thread that you feel like you actually are holding onto when deep inside you know that really, it's not in your strength to keep holding onto. You just have to fall and trust that God is going to be there to catch you. And why wouldn't he catch you when he did all the other times? Because, you think for a split second that this time, this is different and this is more serious than those other times. You're not sure if God wants to or that you deserve it. The thing that I've seen though, is that whether or not you think you deserve it...it's there for you to take cause it's a gift and if you dont take it...you're missing out on something that could be the best thing in your life. I realized something too...I'm afraid of moving forward because I'm afraid it's not going to matter, and that the past is just going to keep repeating itself. I really believe though that God is telling me different. If the past repeats itself...then that's something God will walk with me at that time. I'm a different person then i was when I was hurt in the past...I'm not around the same people and I'm not making the same mistakes/choices. Plus, I wasn't fully surrendered to God at that time and although I'm still not perfect...My life is HIS. I have a choice though cause by living in the past, I'm not taking the gift of freedom that is offered to me. I'm not really giving him every area if I cant give him that. You cant change unless you're working on changing something about your life, every day. So that means that this is going to be something that I'm going to have to work at with God for a little bit but I feel really close. I've said this before...I think the first and last steps are the hardest cause I really believe that first, the devil just doesnt want you to start.,..so if he can get you to not even get going...then he wins. BUT if you do get started, he doesnt care if you're doing something as long as you never get to the goal you have...and the last step I think sometimes is the hardest cause he just doesnt want you to finish. Something I learned not too long ago (and it makes complete sense so I'm like why didnt I think of it before?) is that the devil uses procrastination to steal things from our lives. If he can get us to put things off that are important..we'll never get around to it and then we wont meet the potential God has for us. He is so subtle about it that we dont even notice sometimes. I know this is something I struggle with cause I just get this idea in my head that if I'm not ready for something, the rest of the world is on pause kinda like Sleeping Beauty..where everyone gets put to sleep when she falls in a deep sleep. But real life isn't like that...life goes on even if you choose to shut yourself in and close your eyes. It's time to start stepping out and letting people love me and loving them too. :) Hope this helped and that you were able to understand the gist even though it was all jumbled (super tired ha). Blessings!