Here Comes the Sun

Hey friends!!

Have you ever had a moment where you find a second to reminisce on how far you've come in life? I'm sure you're a lot like me, in that pretty much the ONLY time we are able to find to actually look back and enjoy past memories is every Thursday. Ya know, when everyone on Instagram and Facebook bring their "throwbacks" out. Lol. :)
Well, just this past week, I felt like there was a theme on looking back...both with remembering all the fun and beautiful moments that I've gotten to experience over the years, and realizing that I need to take the lessons and keep applying them to my life in order to keep making progress in my life. I think often, we don't make it a priority to find time to think back on the past because for some, it can be painful or we just think it's going to take a lot of time. I have to say though, when I notice something popping up in different places in my life, I know that I need to pay attention to it.
I was asked some questions that I'd like to share that relates to this theme: What was your life like this time last year? Where were you and what were you doing? What has God shown you since then?
For me, I was in a really broken and confused place. I was also in a place where I was seeking answers for what was next in my life, since it had been a few months of being home after graduating the university I went to. I think that for the most part, I thought I was doing alright. What I didn't know, was that God was about to weed out a lot of toxic things and relationships from my life. The whole month of March was extremely emotional for me. For those of you who might not know me well, I'm not much of a crier. My thought is that unless it looks like there's absolutely no hope left for your situation, you need to just rest in God's peace and let him take whatever your worries are. So, I probably on average, cry about 3 times max in a whole month. Which as you can imagine, isn't really that much for a girl haha. Anyway, from the last week of February till the second week in April, I literally cried just about every day. The thing you have to understand though, is that even those rare times that I do cry, it's just soft tears falling down my face. However, during that period of time it was full on sobbing. The thing that was most frustrating to me, was that I had NO idea what was wrong or why I was so sad. I just sensed that something wasn't right. Around that exact time, I came across a book by a favorite author (Robin Jones Gunn) that had a story about a character who's story was very similar to my own. Like me, this main character almost never cried unless it was serious. Then, she entered a season where she would just burst into violent tears nearly every day for about a month. She had godly friends looking out for her, and they were telling her how that often, when we're emotional and cant understand why, it's most likely because God needs to do some cleansing in our souls. Tears aren't always a bad thing, in fact they actually cleanse our souls so that we can see ourselves and others more clearly. Sometimes if there's some healing or cleansing that needs to happen that we might be unaware of, God will bring it about in our lives. This made complete sense to me and although I still didn't like the fact that I was crying uncontrollably for pretty much a month straight, I felt comfort in knowing there wasn't anything wrong with me and that God was definitely doing something.

Looking back now, I KNOW that God was working on me. He was preparing me for deep loss and character growth. He showed me so many things about myself that were not pleasant but I realized how thankful I was that he loved me enough to do that for me. In helping me see my mistakes, I was able to make the changes needed to be and do better. He also showed me that he was trying to not only weed out the unhealthy habits and mindsets, but also weed out other toxins in my life. Some of you may know that I was involved in a really unhealthy relationship at that time last year. I ended up learning that the very thing I thought I wanted most was the complete opposite in reality from how it appeared. That person wasn't at all who I thought, and I had found myself falling further and further from the Lord as a result of mistakes and bad choices I made in that relationship. In the past when God would take away a friendship or relationship, I would fight it. I'd get mad at God and accuse him of not caring enough to let me be happy. I realized how the things that I thought were making me happy really weren't what was best for me and would've ended up causing way more pain than the joy I thought would come as a result of those relationships. This time however, I really saw so clearly that it was BECAUSE God loved me so much, that he was taking these people out of my life. It hurt a lot, but I knew it was necessary for me to grow and become the woman he wants me to be. I have never known so much pain in a long time, if ever, but I can say that it made me so much stronger and wiser. I learned to love in a way that was deeper than I ever thought possible as a result of facing the pain that I experienced. God showed me way too much of his faithfulness for me to ever doubt his goodness. We don't have to understand why God allows things for us to trust that he really does have our best interest in mind. He knew way better than I did what would ultimately make me happy and would bless me the most.

Something else God showed me, is that way too often when I'm having a hard time, I go to my close friends for answers instead of God. Yes, friends are essential and it's good to have support and accountability, but if anything is taking God's place, it's unhealthy. God allowed me to experience a really lonely time just so I would realize how much I needed HIM above anything and anyone else. He needed to be enough for me, and I don't think I would've seen that if everyone I was close to was around actively in my life at that time.

Today: I'm still not perfect and still don't really know what's next for me, but I've learned to try to be as faithful as I can to the things God put in front of me right now and trust that he has a good plan for my future. I don't need to know the answers. I'm learning just how important it is for God to truly be the core of our lives. I've already mentioned in past posts that I idolized marriage and relationships for most of my life, but for the first time around Christmas time, God helped me learn how to let go and stop looking. Wouldn't you know it, after I finally stopped trying to find someone...an incredible man walked into my life. I don't know where things are going to go, but I feel a peace that I've never had before in past relationships. It's a scary thing not knowing if the past might repeat itself, but I don't fear because I truly believe God is looking out for me! I'm wanting to keep my eyes on God in this relationship...I don't want to seek love, my value, or happiness in any other person more than I seek those things in the Lord. As I mentioned before, when we're with the right person God has for us, we WILL be valued, loved, and happy (content). But we shouldn't ever look to anyone other than God for the main source of those things. I'm excited to share with y'all what God does with this relationship as well as the other areas of my life, in the days to come! All in all though, I hope that this encourages you to take a look back and see how far you've come too. The past might be painful, but it doesn't define us unless we let it. Let it inspire you to be better in the future, to love deeper, and to treasure every moment and every person you hold dear in your life.

Be blessed, friends! ~Kallayah :)