"Freedom is such a beautiful thing, and yet so few are really free. Nearly all people live in prisons of their own making, no matter their background. In truth we all exist in our own sanctuaries- but I don't mean cathedrals or prisons. I'm talking about our hearts and minds, which imprison us in anxiety, fear, insecurity, anger, and other forms of misery. The walls and bars that keep most in a constant state of suffering are thoughts and emotions; not concrete and steal. To be free of this, is to be free indeed. The truth is, the only key that will unlock the prisons that we all live in is love. Unconditional love, like God's." -The Sanctuary, by Ted Dekker
Lately it seems as though God keeps underlining the topic of fear, and I really believe its something I'm suppose to share with others. There are so many different kinds of fear and at so many levels. I encourage you to read the passage in Matthew 14:29-33. You may know it well, but try to open your eyes to something you didn't maybe see before. It's the classic passage of Jesus calling Peter out onto the water. The thing that always grasps my attention is the fact that Peter really desires to be close to Jesus, to in a sense do what he does. He yearns so deeply to be close to God and to follow him, that he doesn't think about anything else. But once Jesus tells him to all on water...all of a sudden Peter becomes so consumed with his fear and surroundings, that he begins to sink. For me personally, there are areas where I feel like God is saying to take a step out of the boat and to just trust and let go if my fears. You have to understand that with me, I don't fear easily. I don't fear things because they look or sound scary. I don't even fear something just from one negative experience (unless its extreme). I usually only fear if I've been deeply affected by something in a negative way; especially if it happens multiple times. When God asks me to face these deeper fears, I almost become frozen. Fears sometimes are there to protect, but when they start controlling your life...it starts to take away and consumes you.
God has been showing me a reason WHY real love casts out fear (1 John 4:18). When we get to a point where fear controls us, it's blocking our ability to really love others-even God and ourselves, and is selfish as blunt as that sounds. When fear overcomes us...we start holding back and distancing ourselves. We start to become mentally crazy in our attempts to "protect" ourselves from whatever we're terrified of. Without realizing it, we take over the place God should be. We stop trusting him, and as a result, we distance ourselves from his love. Some of us (myself included) would say that we have good reason to keep people at arms length. Please know, I'm not saying we should allow people to keep hurting us etc. I'm talking about loving people in general, and those closest to us like family etc.
LOVE is a four letter word. Everyone on the same playing field, everyone deserves the same love. Something I rarely think about is that Jesus had to have known a great amount of fear, but the thing that made him different in this area is that he didn't let it control him. Jesus didn't (and still doesn't) hold back from anyone. He of all people has every right to hold back but chooses not to. He wants us to step up our game and love like no one else does. The interesting thing is that when we love MORE, we worry LESS. When we choose to really BELIEVE in our hearts rather than just know in our minds, that God honestly LOVES us...not just cause he's obligated to but because he WANTS to... It WILL break the chains of fear and doubt. We surrender to God when we choose not to fear. Plus he hadn't given us a spirit of fear...we can trust that he will protect us from things that would ruin us, we don't have to do it ourselves. The enemy just wants to use fear as a crutch cause fear offers the false promise that maybe we can control our life. That maybe God doesn't really care enough to keep us safe and strong. It keeps us frozen so we can't walk out and make the difference God wants for us. You aren't alone!! I'm still struggling with this...I'm just realizing more an more that the more we fear, the less we trust God, the less we love others, and the less peace we will know. We can only do our part and give God what we can't do..we can never control what wasn't meant for us to control. So much more could be said on this topic, but basically the more we choose to let God handle the fear when we can't...the better everything will be, not just for ourselves, but for others too. :) not always easy, but always ALWAYS worth it. Love you guys!!!
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Sunday, January 12, 2014
More Than You Know
Remember how either in the last post or some post back, I was saying that just when we think we have God all figured out, he undoes all we thought we knew by showing us something we never really knew about him? Like I was saying in that post, I really think he obviously knows how to keep the spark alive. That man hahah. ;) I think that in and of itself is kinda crazy to grasp because there are times where I think I have him all figured out. I've known ABOUT God for a long time...most of my life actually. But actually KNOWING him on a heart level...that only started happening more in the last year and a half. Anyway, I wanted to share something with you in case this is something you need to hear...no matter where you find yourself right now. You dont have to be religious (I'm not, I have a relationship instead). :)
I probably talked about how I felt like God was telling me that he's giving me some colors that represent the year this year. Might sound weird at first thought....but it's seriously one of the coolest things. He gave me the color PURPLE, PINK, and BLACK. Part of me isn't completely sure about the whole "different colors and shades mean something" but then again, God made colors for a reason right? Interesting fact about the color black: It has been usually worn to signify respect or submission. You think about people that wear black when someone has passed away...it's to honor and respect their lives that they lived. Priests wear black out of submission to God, and women in the middle east also wear black which is a symbol of submission.
The color pink, is associated with unity, warmth, love, compassion...etc.
And the color purple is a color that signifies royalty, sophistication, favor...and so many other things. Interesting right? It was weird cause last night I was just writing in my journal, and then I just felt like I was supposed to write down these things that I really felt like God was trying to tell me. It was kinda like a letter from a dad, and then also from a husband. It was things like: His heart leaps when I call him and he's excited to spend every minute he can with me...even if it's something as simple as watching movies or just having me allow him be a part of making up a new dance or whatever I'm doing. He wants to protect me and yet is so gentle with me all at once. It was just all the things that I really needed to hear and I wrote it on the inside cover of my journal, that way whenever I look on it I know that I mean the world to him. :) The crazy thing is that God likes to talk to us in ways that are personal. Some people get pictures in their minds, others hear it in a song, in a friend...so many ways that you can hear his voice. I have heard this said and believe it to be true...that if you cant hear his voice...it's probably cause you're choosing not to listen. People that think God doesnt talk to his children, don't really KNOW God at all. I mean what kind of relationship would that be if one person does all the talking...makes all the efforts, and then the other person doesnt? A relationship cant live like that. The closer we are to God, the more we hear his voice. I think something too...is that the more potential we have for God's kingdom...the more we're going to find ourselves fighting darkness in our lives. The enemy knows that if he can get us either not to even start the game, or to just not finish...then he's winning. Some people like to think that letting darkness take over is so "bad a**" so "tough." Guess what? That's what the enemy wants you to think and it couldn't be farther from the truth. The kind of man or woman that is a REAL man/woman...is someone who has the characteristics that God has. The enemy and his minions will tell you that having such a character is being "weak" but haven't you noticed that you are being led away from the very things that have the most power in this world? The enemy doesnt want you to realize this. It's the classic case of the Garden scenario. He says that God doesnt have your best in mind,...that he's holding out on you, that you cant be as strong with him as you could be with the devil. But that's because God's strength overpowers the enemies by so much that the enemy doesnt want you to know the truth cause then he'd be powerLESS. Think about that. If you're not really on good terms with God...it's not because God hates you regardless of what you think, and it's not because you just deserve a miserable life and to pay for all the nasty stuff that has either happened to you or that you yourself have taken part in. Most of the time, if we're against God...it's because we dont believe in his love. At one point in time, we felt betrayed somehow and sometimes it's just cause we did something that wasn't right and had to deal with the consequences of it. And then we're like "well if God really loved me, he wouldn't have let that happen" ok...so then you're saying if he loved you he would let you get away with it? And hurt yourself and others in the process and miss out on the best he has? Other times it's cause of negative things that happen to us and we say that if God cared, he wouldn't have let it happen. I cant answer for why the people we love have to die or why some dreams cant come true. But I think too...sometimes we're just looking at our own lives and not realizing the big picture. Say with a death of a loved one...was that person's life all about being in YOURS? No...God had a bigger story for them and he had a time limit just like with all of us. Does it mean that he doesnt care about our friends or family who will still be in our lives when it's our time to go? No...it just means that his timing for our lives was different than what the people who love us...would've wanted. So when you see it in that perspective...it makes you think differently and realize you're really special to God. When things dont work out that you really worked hard for or just really wanted...look back on the past. Was there ever a time that God didn't give you something better for whatever had to go? There was a lot of pain in my childhood and high school...but mingled in there was also a lot of joy. We usually just get caught up on the negatives. The reality is...all those times I had to leave a church or school...ya it was hard at the time. But God always helped me to keep the friendships that I was suppose to and gave me so much more better things later on. Sometimes we're not always listening to his voice either...we think he wants us to do something so we go off and do it and then get upset when it falls through. Maybe we got the timing wrong, or maybe it was just something we WANTED to do but didnt pray about. Man I cant tell you how many times I've messed up just cause I agreed to something first and then found out I wasn't suppose to do it. Anyway, I just want to encourage those of you reading this...not to give up. I really think that even the hard things that aren't related to us making mistakes, have a purpose. Sometimes it's cause God wants to use that in a future ministry or to make a difference in someone's life that wouldn't have made it otherwise. Other times I like to think its because God knows that the hard times are just an opportunity for him to prove to the demons and to the world, that the darkness NEVER wins. And he makes you stronger because of it. Hold your head high because if you believe that God truly is your Savior...then you're royalty, and the enemies are just impostors that try to make the world think otherwise. I hope this helped somehow...and if nothing else, pay attention to those little things that your heart loves. Whether it's football, nature...whatever it is (as long as it's a good thing of course lol) just know that those things are God's way of reaching you, and when you enjoy those things and let God in on them...he is coming that much closer to you. You mean more to him than you know..no matter what your story is. :)
I probably talked about how I felt like God was telling me that he's giving me some colors that represent the year this year. Might sound weird at first thought....but it's seriously one of the coolest things. He gave me the color PURPLE, PINK, and BLACK. Part of me isn't completely sure about the whole "different colors and shades mean something" but then again, God made colors for a reason right? Interesting fact about the color black: It has been usually worn to signify respect or submission. You think about people that wear black when someone has passed away...it's to honor and respect their lives that they lived. Priests wear black out of submission to God, and women in the middle east also wear black which is a symbol of submission.
The color pink, is associated with unity, warmth, love, compassion...etc.
And the color purple is a color that signifies royalty, sophistication, favor...and so many other things. Interesting right? It was weird cause last night I was just writing in my journal, and then I just felt like I was supposed to write down these things that I really felt like God was trying to tell me. It was kinda like a letter from a dad, and then also from a husband. It was things like: His heart leaps when I call him and he's excited to spend every minute he can with me...even if it's something as simple as watching movies or just having me allow him be a part of making up a new dance or whatever I'm doing. He wants to protect me and yet is so gentle with me all at once. It was just all the things that I really needed to hear and I wrote it on the inside cover of my journal, that way whenever I look on it I know that I mean the world to him. :) The crazy thing is that God likes to talk to us in ways that are personal. Some people get pictures in their minds, others hear it in a song, in a friend...so many ways that you can hear his voice. I have heard this said and believe it to be true...that if you cant hear his voice...it's probably cause you're choosing not to listen. People that think God doesnt talk to his children, don't really KNOW God at all. I mean what kind of relationship would that be if one person does all the talking...makes all the efforts, and then the other person doesnt? A relationship cant live like that. The closer we are to God, the more we hear his voice. I think something too...is that the more potential we have for God's kingdom...the more we're going to find ourselves fighting darkness in our lives. The enemy knows that if he can get us either not to even start the game, or to just not finish...then he's winning. Some people like to think that letting darkness take over is so "bad a**" so "tough." Guess what? That's what the enemy wants you to think and it couldn't be farther from the truth. The kind of man or woman that is a REAL man/woman...is someone who has the characteristics that God has. The enemy and his minions will tell you that having such a character is being "weak" but haven't you noticed that you are being led away from the very things that have the most power in this world? The enemy doesnt want you to realize this. It's the classic case of the Garden scenario. He says that God doesnt have your best in mind,...that he's holding out on you, that you cant be as strong with him as you could be with the devil. But that's because God's strength overpowers the enemies by so much that the enemy doesnt want you to know the truth cause then he'd be powerLESS. Think about that. If you're not really on good terms with God...it's not because God hates you regardless of what you think, and it's not because you just deserve a miserable life and to pay for all the nasty stuff that has either happened to you or that you yourself have taken part in. Most of the time, if we're against God...it's because we dont believe in his love. At one point in time, we felt betrayed somehow and sometimes it's just cause we did something that wasn't right and had to deal with the consequences of it. And then we're like "well if God really loved me, he wouldn't have let that happen" ok...so then you're saying if he loved you he would let you get away with it? And hurt yourself and others in the process and miss out on the best he has? Other times it's cause of negative things that happen to us and we say that if God cared, he wouldn't have let it happen. I cant answer for why the people we love have to die or why some dreams cant come true. But I think too...sometimes we're just looking at our own lives and not realizing the big picture. Say with a death of a loved one...was that person's life all about being in YOURS? No...God had a bigger story for them and he had a time limit just like with all of us. Does it mean that he doesnt care about our friends or family who will still be in our lives when it's our time to go? No...it just means that his timing for our lives was different than what the people who love us...would've wanted. So when you see it in that perspective...it makes you think differently and realize you're really special to God. When things dont work out that you really worked hard for or just really wanted...look back on the past. Was there ever a time that God didn't give you something better for whatever had to go? There was a lot of pain in my childhood and high school...but mingled in there was also a lot of joy. We usually just get caught up on the negatives. The reality is...all those times I had to leave a church or school...ya it was hard at the time. But God always helped me to keep the friendships that I was suppose to and gave me so much more better things later on. Sometimes we're not always listening to his voice either...we think he wants us to do something so we go off and do it and then get upset when it falls through. Maybe we got the timing wrong, or maybe it was just something we WANTED to do but didnt pray about. Man I cant tell you how many times I've messed up just cause I agreed to something first and then found out I wasn't suppose to do it. Anyway, I just want to encourage those of you reading this...not to give up. I really think that even the hard things that aren't related to us making mistakes, have a purpose. Sometimes it's cause God wants to use that in a future ministry or to make a difference in someone's life that wouldn't have made it otherwise. Other times I like to think its because God knows that the hard times are just an opportunity for him to prove to the demons and to the world, that the darkness NEVER wins. And he makes you stronger because of it. Hold your head high because if you believe that God truly is your Savior...then you're royalty, and the enemies are just impostors that try to make the world think otherwise. I hope this helped somehow...and if nothing else, pay attention to those little things that your heart loves. Whether it's football, nature...whatever it is (as long as it's a good thing of course lol) just know that those things are God's way of reaching you, and when you enjoy those things and let God in on them...he is coming that much closer to you. You mean more to him than you know..no matter what your story is. :)
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Out of the Shadows
Hi everyone!! I totally had a post written around Christmas, and although I still intend to post it whenever the heck I find it, I seemed to have misplaced it ha. :/
There is so much reflecting I want to do, since God has done SO much in the last year, but I dont think I'd be able to think of nearly as many things as I know I want to share with you all. :) God really outdid himself this last year!! Many of you saw that at the beginning of the year, I really wanted to be able to see just a couple dreams come to life, wanted to graduate, and had a few other goals that were important to me as well. WELL...at that time (it was around this same time last year) I had NO idea that I'd actually get to go to Hawaii and all the other places I went and little did I think I'd be doing all the things I did! I really am so confident that it wasn't because of me that those things were able to be reality...it was all God and only Him. I learned so much more about the character of God...and although that was part of my purpose in going to the school that I attended, I think I was somehow under the impression that I'd mainly just be serving God and serving others and that the things I would hear based on the area of faith would be review. Ha I was wrong...just when we think we have God all figured out, he likes to show us something about himself that undoes all the things that we thought we previously knew! It's so amazing and he definitely knows how to keep the spark alive! ;) I mentioned in other posts how I was able to live out several dreams, face a lot of fears and on top of that...I was able to cross a lot of things off my bucket list! I think the main thing that I'm astounded by, is the fact that he became so much more personal to me this last year. He helped me see that up to that time, I KNEW that he loved me but I just didnt really completely believe it. He did so much more in my heart than I ever thought possible. I received so much healing in areas that I had forgotten about (such as things from my childhood etc), and I really dont think I would've been able to begin to uncover those areas in my life if I hadn't gone to that school. I could go on and on about more things that he did in my heart, what I witnessed in the lives of the people I came in contact with and more...but in short: God has been so so good to me!! With all the experiences I faced, I really saw how faithful and personal God is and that no matter where I go in life, he IS going to always love me and provide everything I need and I dont have to be afraid! A few weeks before graduation, I got a picture from God that I thought was just for that time...and it's turned into something that God has kept reminding me of from time to time, and I know that it's his way of telling me that he wants to complete the healing that was started. :) I think I shared about the vision I got about a wall (in one of my previous posts) and I think the overall message was that its time to face the past and move beyond it. It took me a lot of time (the last 3 months of being home) to really get myself to trust more deeply than I ever have and to calm my fears enough to know that it really truly is God telling me this...and although I dont know if I'm quite there YET, I really think I'm getting so much closer. There were countless excuses...and it reminds me of the picture of the wall, where I'm standing in front of it telling God how impossible it is for him to help me move past it when there's no door in site and no way around or over. The reality is...I cant go over this anymore, and there's no way I can go around it anymore cause I know that if I dont face it now, it's just going to come up later and it might not be so convenient at that time as now. That's the thing with God...when he wants you to do something, he is more than patient for us to be ready. I think that in the past, it wasn't time to face this wall...and I think that's why there were always doors or ways around/through the walls I came across. But this time I cant do it without God. I think I see the point too...if there was a way around it or a door...I would take it without thinking twice and that would symbolize me doing it on my own without God. So to complete this picture: there's no way over or around the wall cause it's too high and too long, to the point where it'd be impossible. I have 3 choices...I can go back, I can move forward, or I can stay put. Going back isn't an option cause I've come too far that going back would take too long and there's no point cause I'd just end up back at this spot later on anyway. Then there are really two options...stay put or move forward. It would seem like the choice to be made is obvious. Duh...you'd want to move forward. But it's not that simple in my mind because I know that moving forward means that NOTHING is going to be the way it was. All the things that I've held onto that in a sense kept me safe...gone. Totally uncharted and unlike any path I've ever walked and I have so many risks that I'd be making. And staying here....well it would mean that I can put it off a little longer and that maybe it'll be more safe when I finally move forward because maybe I'll be more ready and able to tackle whatever I'd find. I feel like God is saying that I dont have to wait to be more ready because I'm probably as ready as I'm ever going to be and it's not going to be easy no matter what I'd choose. I'm terrified because it means that I just have to let things rest. I've gotten good at burying things while they're still alive and then since they're out of site, it's like they're dead to me.But then they keep rising back up and trying to hold onto my ankles so I cant walk. They just chain me down and I know that its a fool thing to do to just let it stay like that and not try to move out of it. But then it's just I can't...and if you've ever been in that place in your life then you know what I mean. It's not that you dont want to...but its that last thread that you feel like you actually are holding onto when deep inside you know that really, it's not in your strength to keep holding onto. You just have to fall and trust that God is going to be there to catch you. And why wouldn't he catch you when he did all the other times? Because, you think for a split second that this time, this is different and this is more serious than those other times. You're not sure if God wants to or that you deserve it. The thing that I've seen though, is that whether or not you think you deserve it...it's there for you to take cause it's a gift and if you dont take it...you're missing out on something that could be the best thing in your life. I realized something too...I'm afraid of moving forward because I'm afraid it's not going to matter, and that the past is just going to keep repeating itself. I really believe though that God is telling me different. If the past repeats itself...then that's something God will walk with me at that time. I'm a different person then i was when I was hurt in the past...I'm not around the same people and I'm not making the same mistakes/choices. Plus, I wasn't fully surrendered to God at that time and although I'm still not perfect...My life is HIS. I have a choice though cause by living in the past, I'm not taking the gift of freedom that is offered to me. I'm not really giving him every area if I cant give him that. You cant change unless you're working on changing something about your life, every day. So that means that this is going to be something that I'm going to have to work at with God for a little bit but I feel really close. I've said this before...I think the first and last steps are the hardest cause I really believe that first, the devil just doesnt want you to start.,..so if he can get you to not even get going...then he wins. BUT if you do get started, he doesnt care if you're doing something as long as you never get to the goal you have...and the last step I think sometimes is the hardest cause he just doesnt want you to finish. Something I learned not too long ago (and it makes complete sense so I'm like why didnt I think of it before?) is that the devil uses procrastination to steal things from our lives. If he can get us to put things off that are important..we'll never get around to it and then we wont meet the potential God has for us. He is so subtle about it that we dont even notice sometimes. I know this is something I struggle with cause I just get this idea in my head that if I'm not ready for something, the rest of the world is on pause kinda like Sleeping Beauty..where everyone gets put to sleep when she falls in a deep sleep. But real life isn't like that...life goes on even if you choose to shut yourself in and close your eyes. It's time to start stepping out and letting people love me and loving them too. :) Hope this helped and that you were able to understand the gist even though it was all jumbled (super tired ha). Blessings!
There is so much reflecting I want to do, since God has done SO much in the last year, but I dont think I'd be able to think of nearly as many things as I know I want to share with you all. :) God really outdid himself this last year!! Many of you saw that at the beginning of the year, I really wanted to be able to see just a couple dreams come to life, wanted to graduate, and had a few other goals that were important to me as well. WELL...at that time (it was around this same time last year) I had NO idea that I'd actually get to go to Hawaii and all the other places I went and little did I think I'd be doing all the things I did! I really am so confident that it wasn't because of me that those things were able to be reality...it was all God and only Him. I learned so much more about the character of God...and although that was part of my purpose in going to the school that I attended, I think I was somehow under the impression that I'd mainly just be serving God and serving others and that the things I would hear based on the area of faith would be review. Ha I was wrong...just when we think we have God all figured out, he likes to show us something about himself that undoes all the things that we thought we previously knew! It's so amazing and he definitely knows how to keep the spark alive! ;) I mentioned in other posts how I was able to live out several dreams, face a lot of fears and on top of that...I was able to cross a lot of things off my bucket list! I think the main thing that I'm astounded by, is the fact that he became so much more personal to me this last year. He helped me see that up to that time, I KNEW that he loved me but I just didnt really completely believe it. He did so much more in my heart than I ever thought possible. I received so much healing in areas that I had forgotten about (such as things from my childhood etc), and I really dont think I would've been able to begin to uncover those areas in my life if I hadn't gone to that school. I could go on and on about more things that he did in my heart, what I witnessed in the lives of the people I came in contact with and more...but in short: God has been so so good to me!! With all the experiences I faced, I really saw how faithful and personal God is and that no matter where I go in life, he IS going to always love me and provide everything I need and I dont have to be afraid! A few weeks before graduation, I got a picture from God that I thought was just for that time...and it's turned into something that God has kept reminding me of from time to time, and I know that it's his way of telling me that he wants to complete the healing that was started. :) I think I shared about the vision I got about a wall (in one of my previous posts) and I think the overall message was that its time to face the past and move beyond it. It took me a lot of time (the last 3 months of being home) to really get myself to trust more deeply than I ever have and to calm my fears enough to know that it really truly is God telling me this...and although I dont know if I'm quite there YET, I really think I'm getting so much closer. There were countless excuses...and it reminds me of the picture of the wall, where I'm standing in front of it telling God how impossible it is for him to help me move past it when there's no door in site and no way around or over. The reality is...I cant go over this anymore, and there's no way I can go around it anymore cause I know that if I dont face it now, it's just going to come up later and it might not be so convenient at that time as now. That's the thing with God...when he wants you to do something, he is more than patient for us to be ready. I think that in the past, it wasn't time to face this wall...and I think that's why there were always doors or ways around/through the walls I came across. But this time I cant do it without God. I think I see the point too...if there was a way around it or a door...I would take it without thinking twice and that would symbolize me doing it on my own without God. So to complete this picture: there's no way over or around the wall cause it's too high and too long, to the point where it'd be impossible. I have 3 choices...I can go back, I can move forward, or I can stay put. Going back isn't an option cause I've come too far that going back would take too long and there's no point cause I'd just end up back at this spot later on anyway. Then there are really two options...stay put or move forward. It would seem like the choice to be made is obvious. Duh...you'd want to move forward. But it's not that simple in my mind because I know that moving forward means that NOTHING is going to be the way it was. All the things that I've held onto that in a sense kept me safe...gone. Totally uncharted and unlike any path I've ever walked and I have so many risks that I'd be making. And staying here....well it would mean that I can put it off a little longer and that maybe it'll be more safe when I finally move forward because maybe I'll be more ready and able to tackle whatever I'd find. I feel like God is saying that I dont have to wait to be more ready because I'm probably as ready as I'm ever going to be and it's not going to be easy no matter what I'd choose. I'm terrified because it means that I just have to let things rest. I've gotten good at burying things while they're still alive and then since they're out of site, it's like they're dead to me.But then they keep rising back up and trying to hold onto my ankles so I cant walk. They just chain me down and I know that its a fool thing to do to just let it stay like that and not try to move out of it. But then it's just I can't...and if you've ever been in that place in your life then you know what I mean. It's not that you dont want to...but its that last thread that you feel like you actually are holding onto when deep inside you know that really, it's not in your strength to keep holding onto. You just have to fall and trust that God is going to be there to catch you. And why wouldn't he catch you when he did all the other times? Because, you think for a split second that this time, this is different and this is more serious than those other times. You're not sure if God wants to or that you deserve it. The thing that I've seen though, is that whether or not you think you deserve it...it's there for you to take cause it's a gift and if you dont take it...you're missing out on something that could be the best thing in your life. I realized something too...I'm afraid of moving forward because I'm afraid it's not going to matter, and that the past is just going to keep repeating itself. I really believe though that God is telling me different. If the past repeats itself...then that's something God will walk with me at that time. I'm a different person then i was when I was hurt in the past...I'm not around the same people and I'm not making the same mistakes/choices. Plus, I wasn't fully surrendered to God at that time and although I'm still not perfect...My life is HIS. I have a choice though cause by living in the past, I'm not taking the gift of freedom that is offered to me. I'm not really giving him every area if I cant give him that. You cant change unless you're working on changing something about your life, every day. So that means that this is going to be something that I'm going to have to work at with God for a little bit but I feel really close. I've said this before...I think the first and last steps are the hardest cause I really believe that first, the devil just doesnt want you to start.,..so if he can get you to not even get going...then he wins. BUT if you do get started, he doesnt care if you're doing something as long as you never get to the goal you have...and the last step I think sometimes is the hardest cause he just doesnt want you to finish. Something I learned not too long ago (and it makes complete sense so I'm like why didnt I think of it before?) is that the devil uses procrastination to steal things from our lives. If he can get us to put things off that are important..we'll never get around to it and then we wont meet the potential God has for us. He is so subtle about it that we dont even notice sometimes. I know this is something I struggle with cause I just get this idea in my head that if I'm not ready for something, the rest of the world is on pause kinda like Sleeping Beauty..where everyone gets put to sleep when she falls in a deep sleep. But real life isn't like that...life goes on even if you choose to shut yourself in and close your eyes. It's time to start stepping out and letting people love me and loving them too. :) Hope this helped and that you were able to understand the gist even though it was all jumbled (super tired ha). Blessings!
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