Step By Step

I'm trying my best to update more haha! :) I just wanted to fill you all on what I've been learning the last few days. Something that God has really been showing me is that often times I see a situation and rather than focusing on today, I start worrying about tomorrow or what could happen a month from now. It's weird how God uses simple things in life; like Facebook :P I keep seeing these picture photos and they all seem to have the messages that I need to hear. Take for instance : Until God opens the next door, praise Him in the hallway. Or: You dont have the strength for tomorrow yet because you're living for today. Pass the test for today, then when tomorrow comes God will give you the strength for that day. One day at a time. And then a quote that I've seen before but needed a reminder of: You dont have to see the whole staircase. Just take the first step. So the first one, shows me that we need to be focusing not only on the destination but the journey as well. We need to be remembering that at least God is providing for us and even though we would like to see what could be behind all the other doors, we need to praise him on the way cause that part is just as important and maybe more so because if we dont learn the lessons along the way, we're not going to fully appreciate the beauty of the place we reach at the end and might not be strong enough to handle it. This is a big one for me today because it's showing me that even though I really dont know what's next, I see how God is providing for now and I'm learning to praise him. How many times do we get so focused on where we want to go that we look at each accomplishment and brush it aside like it's nothing and think "Oh that would've worked out anyway" and then we move on to the next thing we want God to help us with? I know I'm really guilty of that. We dont stop to realize that there was once a time where the step we're at now was in the midst of all the things we were worrying we'd never be able to reach. The next quote reminds me of the verse ( somewhere in Matthew:P ) where it talks about not worrying about tomorrow because today has enough worries of it's own and how worrying doesnt add anything to our lives. I learned at my church that worrying is basically saying through our actions, that we dont trust God to be who He says he is. There is a reason why tomorrow feels so overwhelming..we're not supposed to deal with it yet and yet I think we worry like the Israelites that we're not going to have enough "manna" for tomorrow so we try to take care of as much as we can now. It's funny how a lot of these things are clicking in my head the more I talk about them haha. :P But ya we worry "what about tomorrow" when really the beauty of the future is that it really only comes one day at a time...and what a gift that is that we dont have to face the things that will take place a month from now all at once, today! So that's one I'm trying to remind myself a lot of cause I've been going sometimes a full 48 hours with only 2 hours of sleep here and there. The last quote kind of goes with that a little-that you dont have to see the whole picture, just take the next step. Sometimes we think we have to have it all figured out before we even move forward and I know I for one, do that a lot! Just the next step. I think it's because we live in a world where everything has to happen NOW that we dont understand what patience and truly trusting in GOD's timing means. So there's still a lot that I have to do if I'm going to live this dream...and it's only going to happen if it's truly God's call for my life and what He has for me at this time. The thing I've heard is that you need to make sure you are giving your best to God and even if it's seemingly small...God can do a lot with it. Just trust him to do the rest. I wont lie, its a little intimidating and discouraging to see how hard I've been trying and then someone comes along and they just do one little thing and then bam things are going great for them and yet I'm still trying to put things together. That's where we need to remember that this is our own race and its between us and God. We shouldn't be looking beside us or behind either. Ahhh so yes, these are my lessons I've learned in just a short time. :) Blessings!

Blossoms of blessings

Hi everyone!! Sorry that I've not been the best with updating lately! I wanted to share what God has been doing in my life lately: God provided the money I needed to be able to finally get my passport, so I was able to go apply for that last week and although it cost a lot more than I would've liked I'm trusting that God is going to use that passport to the max!! The last one I had I only used once for Mexico and that was back when I was 11 so you know its been a while since I've been out the country other than Canada! I dont know if I mentioned this, but I get to go to Israel and South Africa for my outreach (the last 3 months of school) and MAYBE Dominican Republic! This is such a crazy amazing thing to me because Israel is one of those places that I've always wanted to go but just thought "How would I ever get to go there unless I'm rich etc"? I pretty much but that out of my mind as far as options for dreams because it looked so impossible. I mean of course with any exotic place like that I was thinking...either my future husband is going to have to be rich, be a missionary, or have family over there...or all of the above because seriously there's no way I could ever do that! Israel is really neat too because I have a friend who did her outreach in Israel when she did YWAM last year right before I met her at Creation!! South Africa *sigh* do I even have to say more? Ahah for those of you who know me pretty well, you know that I've grown up in Africa for a little bit of my childhood since my parents were missionaries there for about a year or so before moving to parts of Europe. So to be able to go back is a dream, and plus I used to live in the western part of it so South Africa was another dream since I've never been in that area and seems like a lot of people I know have been going there--its so beautiful!! Anyway, so my mind has been overwhelmed with all the possibilities and the fact that I could potentially be able to live out some of my dreams in this journey I'd embark upon! I will be honest, and I think I touched on this a little in the last blog post, but it has seemed that I've been really spiritually attacked lately. I mean down to not having any ink until last week so just TODAY I was finally able to send out my support letters via snail mail! AND found out that the support invite I sent out almost a month ago hasn't been appearing in my friend's events for some reason! There are other things...most recently the thing that I've told some of you about regarding my family. I cant really go into more detail other than that right now but would greatly appreciate prayers because especially if I'm gone, they're going to have a lot to deal with. Yet another thing is the fact that I've just been really struggling with trust lately. I dont know if this was something I touched on last time and I'm thinking it wasn't since a lot of this stuff is new, but it's been brought to my attention that I really have been having a difficult time fully letting go of the past. I blame myself for a lot of the things that were done to me even though most of it wasn't in my control. I have forgiven those things, moved on and dont miss those past memories...but the negative effects of those things are very real and present in my life still. Part of me feels angry because there's not really a lot I can do. I can choose to let go and trust again which is going to open up my heart to love in a full way, the way that needs to take place in my life...and yet that will also make me the most vulnerable I've ever been and be very painful along the way. And yet the other part of me knows that I could try to stay "safe" and just stay guarded but you cant love that way. You really cant. It's weird how when you realize you're beginning to love someone, all of a sudden holding onto the past and all your old habits and hurts, aren't worth missing out on such a great relationship. I could get really hurt and that's the thing I'm the most scared of. I have been SO careful the last couple years and I know exactly how to keep people at the distance I want them to be. But the thing I'm finding with my close friends and one person in particular...is that I dont want to keep them at a distance anymore, especially when they want to be close to me and are probably risking a lot even in just opening up to me the way they have been. I broke down last week because even though I didnt go into specifics with a friend of mine, he gave me such clarity telling me that I needed to stop blaming myself for the past as if that would help make the hurt more handle-able. Also told me that my issues with trust dont have anything to do with these certain people that are in my life now..they have to do with past people that dont matter in my life anymore. It's just hard because every other time when I've trusted/opened up...I got hurt. I've said this before but Lord willing there IS going to be that time where finally someone else will be different but the hard part about it is, only one person is going to be like that out of all the others. I dont know for sure yet but I think I could've found that and day by day I'm learning to trust more and more. And then my relationship with God..I've noticed that when I have a hard time trusting people because of the past, I in turn have a harder time trusting God. Last night even I realized that I just need to let go and trust God more. I still have a long ways to go. If you would like to support me financially, please contact me! I would greatly love prayers also since that is often times the most powerful weapon God gives us! I know that was super long and that's totally what I get for waiting so long to post something...but I hope that somehow you were encouraged and that you have a blessed day!! Love you all!

Putting faith in a God who knows the unknown

My thought of the day: It’s really hard to step out when the future is so unclear to you. I see all these crazy things going on lately with politics and it just makes me want to turn off my internet and just basically be ignorant of the things that are going on. At the same time, it makes me want to step up that much more and make sure that my life counts for something cause we have no idea when the end of time is going to come. I feel like we have at least a little bit more time as in hopefully like another couple of years, but then we cant know that. I guess something I’ve never been good at is just resting in God’s arms and trusting him with the unknown.  Many of you may know that I’ve applied for a school that seems to have everything that I’ve been dreaming of. It includes a way that I’d be able to use my passions and gifts in the context of missions, and there really is nothing greater that I’d love to do. It really is an answer to prayer but right now I’m having a hard time knowing if I’m meant to do it now or later, or if I really even heard God or if that was just my own voice saying “this seems like a great idea.” The thing is, this whole process of trying to go has really pushed me at so many levels of my life. It’s really making me step out big time and that’s something I’m not comfortable with but am totally willing to do if this is really what God has for me. I’ve said at the beginning of all of this, that I’m not giving up until I know for sure that this isn’t the right time or maybe not even the right thing that God wants me to do. There are about 4 maybe 3 weeks left and I’m pretty scared. Out of all the dreams I’ve had, this is one that I’ve always wanted but have been too scared to verbalize and now it’s out in the open. There’s no turning back and that’s the part that I hate. Part of me doesn’t want to try that hard cause if I fail or it just doesn’t work out, I don’t want to have wasted my time. But I heard a quote somewhere that nothing is a waste of time if it adds to the person that you become. I really hate stepping out and giving my all when I don’t even know if this is going to work out. I have so many friends and family who have talked with me and sound so sure that I’m going and yet I don’t even know yet. I mean I would really love to, but its hard to picture it when I’ve never done anything this big by myself before. It’s hard to know if the hardships I’ve been facing lately are the devil trying to stop me or God telling me its maybe not the right thing for now. God really has been teaching me a lot about trust and faith lately and its something that I’m really having to work on and struggling in the process just because I don’t like not being in control ha. But then what choice do I have? You either follow God’s plan willingly or you get to sit back and watch him do things that you could’ve been a part of. I don’t want to have regrets but my word this is freakishly scary right now ha. I would greatly appreciate prayers for this and for my life in general. Thank you all so much and I’ll try to keep you all updated as I go along this journey; whether I end up getting to do YWAM or if I end up doing something else this year. Love you guys!