Hi everyone!! I hope that this post finds you all doing well! I know that I've mentioned this a few times, but I'm going to try my best to write an update letter on what the last month has been like hopefully here soon. My schedule has been crazy busy with waking up at 5am to go to work and then coming home 7pm and just crashing and falling asleep right off the bat to repeat the same thing the next day haha. I guess this is normal for YWAMers, but I'm starting to get a big blur of weeks...aka I dont remember whether some of the things I THINK took place this week actually did happen this week or if it was a mix of other weeks haha. :P
This was corporate week and there are going to be some general things that I save for the other blog...but for this one (the more personal one) I want to share some other things. :)
In all truth, I've been struggling this week a bit although there were things that got a lot better. I'm a little worried about my family but I've had several amazing people reminding me that God has my family in His hands just like I'm in His hands, and he's going to provide for them no question!! I think its not really whether or not God will provide that I worry about. It's my parents feelings and thoughts that I worry for because I know they're going through such a hard time. There are other personal things that I cant really talk about publicly at all for a little bit which makes it harder cause I want to just talk openly about everything and I cant. There are only a few select people that know what's going on and even with some of them I cant give all the details. I know that I dont want to forget the things that I've learned this last week. In the general blog I'm going to try to be more specific about the lessons. It's been difficult to find the time during the week to just figure out how I want to apply these things. One of the speakers from a few weeks ago was saying that in this DTS you're not going to be able to work on everything at the same time. Just pick on the ones that you really feel after praying, God wants you to focus more on. So anyway, there are just so many things that I feel God is saying to me this week and I want to share something really radical that might sound like a no brainer! God is so much MORE than I ever even thought. It's weird because I think that even though I knew there are so many things I dont know about God and my faith yet, I was pretty certain I had heard most of it. But boy was I ever wrong and so thankful for that! Who wants a God that you can figure out? I never even try to figure God out because he surprises me every time and I think the really big thing that I'm learning especially this week, is that God really DOES care about the small things! I think/hope I got the emotional stuff worked out but I feel really alone even with all the people I'm around. It's weird because there was a part where we were talking about a romantic forever kind of love today in class, and it just confirmed to me something I thought I knew but am becoming more certain of. There is someone that I dont like saying bye to. I know that most likely I will see that person again but its weird after seeing them around pretty much every day for the last month and then all of a sudden they're gone...there was such an emptiness that I felt today cause I knew that I wouldn't be turning the corner to see that person there. Ugh the next few months really are going to be long but so worth it in so many ways! I am very thankful to be here. I think something though is that the devil is really messing with my mind because there have been confusing things going on in my school and although I dont really have a problem with what has been decided, it kind of makes me wonder why I am here. Not in the way that I regret coming cause that's farther from the truth but for a split second I was thinking..I'm not doing much, I wouldn't really be missed if I was gone. Not like emotionally, but spiritually I just feel I'm not really doing all that much. I know its a lie and that I need to get that out of my head but its like all the things I wanted to strive for while being here, are kind of being taken out of my reach but I'm not giving up! I think something that maybe God spoke to me through a conversation with a friend...is that maybe the reason I'm not doing all the things I wanted to do is because God wants me to see that sometimes behind the scene is just as important if not more so, than the actual performance. I think he wants me to see that I have to be good at those small things first before I can really be good up front. I think another thing he has been showing me is that maybe I'm being put in these positions to grow my character as well as maybe just that God has a future in these areas for these other people and that they need the experience, whereas with me God might have something different. It's an amazing school and I'm growing so much but I cant help but feel that I'm not going to do the 2 year term unless it would be a few years down the road which I think would only happen if I was married and that was the road my future husband and I saw. Dont get me wrong, I'm not waiting to get married to decide if I come back. I'm just saying that might be the thing that would bring me back but who knows..just God. :) So anyway I think I have new insight, that yes I want to learn these skills but maybe that's not why I'm here so much. Maybe I'm mostly here because God has a lot he wants to say to me in lecture phase and he wants to shape me through outreach when I'm serving him. It's going to prepare me somehow I think for whatever is next. I feel confused though because yesterday in class (the few hundred of us from DTS) we were asked to stand if we felt that God was calling us to a specific country and I honestly didnt feel that. I think its because maybe God isn't calling me to just one, and I think too that it might be a little further down the road. I dont know, its really weird because nothing is clear and all I know is that I feel that I could be going back home in October, but that he's not going to reveal different things till the right time. Ahh so many things on my mind, but definitely going to process them more some other time. :P Thanks for joining me as I'm learning more of the woman God is shaping me to be!!
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